#he's more worried about the vibes than possibly being arrested anyway

[whumble-beeee]

WOOP WOOP THAT'S THE SOUND OF DA POLICE

The (Un)Official Guide to Hero-Keeping | Cont'd from Part 15

Content: kidnapping/captivity, noncon drugging, recreational drug use, OD references, captivity references, honestly this is probably the closest thing to fluff you'll get from me: the funny

(AN: just a mini-chapter this week before we get back into things!)

* * * * A Brief Interlude * * * *

It had been a pretty easy drive so far.

Stan seemed more than content to just sit in his seat with his arms bound behind his back, completely relaxed except for the brief moments when his eyes would fly open and he would lurch up stock straight in his seat. Then just settle back and close his eyes right back up. Made Declan jump every time. Though he was really just happy that he didn’t have to blindfold the kid, excepting the intermittent night terrors, or whatever those were.

He knew he really should put the kid in the trunk or something, at least the back seat, but he was slightly worried he’d OD Stan, considering the way he was acting, the blank staring the complete lack of fight. Not to mention Declan’d kinda forgotten to account for his tiny size with the dosage. He was like, what, half Declan's size? More? Better to keep an eye on him.

It was pretty funny though, how high he was. And it’d be fine. No one would see them. It was dark, and Declan was taking the backroad highway that was usually deserted at night anyway. 

That being said, Stanny hadn’t said a word since they started driving… almost an hour ago now? The pill Declan’d taken earlier was really starting to hit him, too, lightly smudging the dark trees as they went sailing by, muting the rumble of the engine, a warm buzz enveloping his body as they sat in an easy silence aided by the light tunes of classic rock. Darkness washed over them like calm waves on a beach, only broken by the lime-green illuminations from the buttons on the dashboard and the odd car blasting them with their brights as it screamed down the opposite side of the highway. That was usually around when Stan would lurch up, actually.

“Hey, Uh… Declan. Deeby, DB, Deebers, Eeby Deeby, uh... Darth… Bucky…” Stan mumbled, eyes fluttering open.

Declan snorted at Stan’s ramblings, even if it did interrupt his favorite part of ‘Everybody Wants to Rule the World’. He turned the speaker down to a dull whisper.

“What, that my new nickname?” he bantered lazily. “I’ve definitely heard better.”

“Y’know, you’d be like,” Stan pitched his head back until it lightly thumped on the headrest, glassy eyes fixed firmly on the cloth ceiling. “Like, really hot, super hot, y’know? If you weren’t evil. Like really hot. The-the bandana, and the cowboy hat, and the tall and that accent and the whole… cyberpunk cowboy shit?... that’s fuckin’... that’s hot, man… not to me though but like, ahh... 'M not blind…”

Holy shit, what? God, he loved drugged people. 

“Y’know, some people would say that the evil makes me hotter,” Declan pointed out, humoring the captive than anything else. Besides, he wasn’t wrong. That was one of the tactics he used to capture, sometimes. Charms. The mask, the hat, the whole rugged cowboy look. It often got people excited, lulled them into a sense of safety and wanting. Very useful skill, being ‘hot’.

“Well… yeah,” Stan conceded. “But not me. Because you’re evil. Actually evil, a real actual villain who does villain things... Also not really my… my type. My fiancé though? D’loooove you‘f you weren’t evil. And if you didn’t kidnap me. He'd punch you in the face. S’mine though, hands off.”

Declan snorted. “Yeah, nah, don’t worry, I’m not gonna try to hit that. I think he’d be more angry with me anyway. Or scared, I guess. I certainly wouldn’t wanna meet me again.”

Stan lifted his head up. “What?”

“Hm?”

“You uh… you-you… met? How’d you know Marcus?”

“You told me about him. He’s your boyfriend,” Declan led on. It was kinda fun, this game of almost revealing information to him.

“F-fffiancé!”

“Ah, right. Fiancé. My bad.”

“T’ssssss uh…” He laid his head back again and closed his eyes.  “It’s fine…” 

And he was gone again. Settled back into the seat, like he’d just fallen asleep on a long late-night road trip.

Except for the blood running down his shirt and temples and the excessive bruises and red angry cuts that covered his body, his arms, his face, his neck. Ugh, all he could think now was that he probably should have cleaned Stan up a bit before sticking him in the front seat of his truck. 

Not to mention the collar. That's what really worried him. It was discernable from a mile away, and everyone knew what it was: A super detainment device. He hated that collar. It was so demeaning, and for what? Why a collar? There were power-dampening cuffs, he knew they existed.

It was all just for show, some ill-disguised power fantasy. Parade around the supers, look, they’re not dangerous anymore, they’re collared. They can’t hurt the regular people! You’re safe from the freaks! Police definitely liked it, power-tripping bastards. And he knew Vaughn definitely loved the collars.

And Lana.

Ew.

Not thinking about them right now. The engine of car roared over the music. He let up off the gas just a smidge. Declan had better things to do while high, anyway. Like vibe. Which was the complete opposite of those two. He’d much rather listen to ‘Hotel California’.

He turned the radio back up and let the music envelop him.

And in the master's chambers, they gathered for the feast They stab it with their steely knives, but they just can't kill the beast Last thing I remember, I was running for the door I had to find the passage back to the place I was before "Relax, " said the night man, "We are programmed to receive You can check out any time you like–”

Piercing sirens suddenly hammered his ear-drums, wrecking through his easy concentration. He nearly swerved off the damn road. Bright reds and blues bathed the interior of the car in eerie, dangerous rave-like flashes of light. Stan’s eyes startled open with a small gasp. 

Lightning shocked through Declan’s body.

The police.

God dammit, why? Was he speeding? Was Stan more visible than he thought?!

Declan slammed his hands against the steering wheel with an angry shout, and this time Stan squeaked and cowered into himself. 

God, and now he had to get out his ‘fuck da police’ playlist, the vibes were completely different now!

This is what he got for breaking his damn rules!

Shit.

* * * * * * * *

Next

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[space-mermaid-writing]

House Arrest [Loki X Reader] Chapter 1

Summary: You are Clint’s 'little' sister and actually a trained Shield agent. But you gave that up a few years ago and became a Chef, because you wanted a normal live. Then one day Natasha shows up at your door and takes you to the Avenger Tower for a while for security reasons.

Tags: Reader is an former Shield Agent, chef!reader, Reader Barton, 2012 Avenger vibes, everything is still alright, Slice of Life, Avengers Family, Loki has a good heart, still the god of mischief, Slow Burn, mention of food and cooking

Read it on AO3

Chapter 1: New Home

It's just before midnight when you finally get off work. You really like your job, but the hours are murder. Being a chef at one of the most expensive five-star restaurants in Philadelphia has its price. You take off your apron, which has hardly any stains from the last few hours on it, and throw it in the wash. The white jacket goes neatly into your locker and is replaced by a cardigan and a scarf. It’s a cool night. With a last good bye to your colleagues, who are still putting the dishes into the dishwashers, you make your way home.

The night is dark, but the streets are lit by lanterns and the windows of closed stores. Even if it had been pitch black, it wouldn't have worried you to have to walk alone through the empty alleys. Last year a guy had tried to rob you and threatened you with a knife. You had given him a broken nose and several stab wounds in the shoulder. After all, you had been trained at Shield. But the poor guy didn’t know that.

Half an hour later you arrive at your apartment. It's more functional than nicely furnished, and everything is a bit of a pick 'n' mix. But you don't mind it, because you spend most of your time at work anyway. At home you don't feel such great importance to culinary variety when it comes to your own food. A pizza or French fries with ketchup were always welcome. After all, you've been standing at the stove long enough at work. Tired, you decide to wait until breakfast for your next meal and, after a quick change of clothes, just fall into bed.

Fortunately, the next day is your day off. You make good use of it and sleep in. Afterwards you have an nice brunch with eggs, bacon and toast and after a short shower you go into town to do some errands. The sun is shining warmly from the sky and it's a beautiful spring day. If this holds up until the weekend, maybe you'd visit the weekly market and see what exotic and rare foods you can grab there. You love these little trips, even if you rarely find the time.

About two hours later and with three full shopping bags, you re-enter your apartment. It's on the second floor of a rather nondescript building, but the interior is very modern, with pastel-colored, high walls. You put everything in the kitchen cabinets and then brew yourself a tea/coffee, with which you make yourself comfortable on the couch and turn on the TV. It's time to relax a little. So you zap through the programs, watch the rest of an episode of your favorite series and then decide to watch a reality series, which is not exactly known for its quality but is entertaining. So the noon goes by until suddenly the doorbell rings. You get up to see if it's the mailman or a neighbor with a package. But a look through the peephole shows you that it is neither. Surprised, you open the door "Nat!" Natasha Romanoff is a friend of you and your brother, as well as the godmother of his children. But due to her job you rarely see each other. "Hey," she greets you with a small smile. "Can I come in?" "Sure." You lead her into the living room, where you turn off the TV. "What can I get you? Tea, coffee, milkshake?" "Coffee is fine." You disappear into the kitchen for a moment as she sits down in the armchair. Natasha was a rare visitor. Mostly she came with some news from Clint. You see him even less because he spends what little free time he has mostly with his wife and the two kids. Understandable. You don't hold it against him and try to visit them on holidays or for birthdays at her farm.

It doesn't take long until you return to the Russian woman with a new cup and some pastries and sit down on the couch again. "Well," you ask her curiously. "What do I owe the pleasure?" Natasha reaches for her cup. "It’s rather inconvenience. But first tell me if you’ve observed anything unusual lately." Questioningly, you look at her. "What do you mean?" "Nothing weird? You sure?", she asks. "Tell me what I'm supposed to have seen, please," you prompt her, both impatient and confused. Natasha gets right to the point. "You're being monitored." "By Shield?" "By Hydra." Stunned by this news, you remain silent. Natasha uses this pause to drink her coffee. "Oh, this is really good." But you don't listen to her at all, because various thoughts are circling in your head. And again you try to remember if you have noticed anything: same people you met, vehicles, anything. But you got pretty used to your life and didn't pay attention at these things. "Anyway, I'm here to pick you up. For your own safety it’s best if you stay with us for a while," Natasha finally breaks the silence and you look up. "What could Hydra possibly want from me? I don't know any internal secrets anymore. There are better to kidnap than me." "That's what we're trying to figure out right now." "Well, the danger doesn't seem to be acute", you note. "If they wanted to grab me, I wouldn't be sitting here by now. Thanks, but I decline and prefer to stay here. I have my job and the apartment." And now that you know what's going on, you can pay attention and take the necessary precautions, too. "Thanks for warning me." Natasha, on the other hand, doesn't look like she gives you a choice. "You know Shield has its ways to convince you?", she reminds you, but you shrug. Why would such a large organization bother with a single civilian like you? "What does my dear brother say about this matter?", you ask instead. "He hasn't been informed yet." Ergo, they deliberately leave him out of it so that he can't protest. You know this kind of approach of Shield.

Clint understands and supports you in your civilian life, even though he protested the loudest back when you announced your exit. "How’s he?", you want to know from Natasha, who is now finishing her coffee. "He's alive." That can mean just about anything from being happy and healthy to badly hurt but breathing. Better than being dead, you guess. "He's out in Africa with Steve right now." "Busy, huh?" "As usual." She stands up as a sign that she has nothing more to say for the day, and you walk her to the door, where you bid her farewell. "We'll talk again soon," she promises, but admittedly you have little desire to do so right now. "Sure," you reply and close the door behind her.

Well, that were some news. You put her empty cup in the sink and pause thoughtfully by the window. How could you have missed Hydra's agent, you ask yourself while glancing out. Your new life made you too comfortable. But it also takes up a lot of time and energy. And anyway, you dropped out because you didn't want to be cautiousness all the time anymore. You wanted a normal life with a normal job and normal problems. Away from agents, assassinations and super powers. You didn't want to check every day on your way to work if you were being followed, secretly monitored or if someone else was out to get you. That's why you’ve chosen this life. With a sigh, you sit back down on the couch. The past never leaves you alone, you guess. But tomorrow would be a long day even without these new old worries.

~~

The advantage of being a chef is usually that you don't have to get up at the crack of dawn for work. Most Restaurants open at noon, some even in the evening. So does the one where you work. There are preparations to be made before opening time, but you can still sleep through the morning, do some housework, and then head to the restaurant in the sunny afternoon. That's where the trouble starts, though. Just as you're about to open your locker to change your clothes, someone taps you on the shoulder. It's your boss, who hands you a letter. You can tell immediately from his serious expression that something is wrong. And when you open the envelope, you discover your resignation. You look up, perplexed, but you lose out in the following discussion. You don't even get a decent explanation, and that’s what annoys you the most. You're pretty sure your skills aren’t the issue, neither is the way you work. Nor the way you treat your colleagues, with whom you get along very well, even if the tone among cooks is a bit rough. You go back to your apartment, now in a bad mood. It‘s unbelievable! The sunny weather seems like a mockery to you now, and the people you meet along the way are in far too good a mood, in your opinion. It will be hell to find another good job as this was.

Arriving back home you immediately get more bad news: your landlord put a notice on your apartment door. The bathrooms in the building will get completely renovated soon and will be unusable for several weeks. Plus the heavy construction noise during the day. And the water would be turned off. It would be best to find temporary substitute apartment, so they recommend. "Haha...ha..." You laugh dryly and unlock the door. Was that a coincidence? When Natasha had been here yesterday? Probably not. You know Shield's methods and that it’s easy for them to take away your job and your apartment just to get their way. You have two options: either you accept the offer before Shield gets any more stupid ideas, or you run away and try to hide. With a sigh you go into your bedroom and throw a suitcase on the bed, in which you pack clothes, the most important documents and some things from the kitchen you need for work. Not everything fits, so you add a second travel bag. Meanwhile, you think about who you could complain to. Your brother was a favorite target of yours, but he a) had nothing to do with this matter and b) was not in the country. Which’s a shame, because you'd really like to have him by your side right now. If you wanted to complain to Shield directly, Fury would probably be the best person to do it. But you hold too much respect for him to vent your anger to him. Maybe just the next Shield agent who would come to you on this matter would have to step in. You know someone would definitely get back to you. With one last look around your apartment, you leave it and lock the door. Then you shoulder your bag and make your way out.

Just as you're thinking about getting a large coffee from Starbucks down the street, a red sports car pulls up to the side of the road. Natasha at the wheel. "Hmph..." You walk over to her and throw your luggage in the back seat. Then you take a seat in the passenger seat yourself. "Just for the record, I'm not happy with this." "I can see that." She tries to give a sympathetic smile, but you know this is just a job to her. "Well then, off to the Bat Cave, Wayne." "Does that make you Robin?", the Russian asks, driving off. "I guess", you reply snippy, not interested in keeping the conversation going. Fortunately, Natasha wasn't exactly the talkative sort either, so you have some peace and quiet to get your thoughts in order.

It takes you just under two hours to drive from Philadelphia to New York with city traffic slowing you down a bit. Otherwise, you would have arrived earlier at the former Stark Tower. It's been the Avenger Tower for some time now, but that doesn't make much difference, except that Tony Stark seems to be too lazy to put the remaining letters back on it.

Natasha parks in the private underground garage and you take the elevator up to the grand lobby. She tells you about the current residents here. There’s the usual staff, who are of course always present. Of all the Avengers, Bruce Banner is living here permanently. "He actually hardly ever leaves the lab," the Russian explains. "I'm currently living here, too. Every now and then Thor stops by, but mostly he prefers to explore the world. And his brother Loki is here. There have been some...problems with him and he's sort of under supervision here. Tony trusts technology more than Asgard. The owner of the house, by the way, is out visiting an outpost right now." "There are even Avengers outposts?" Natasha nods as she walks you down the halls to the living area. "But don't tell Hydra." "Sure", you promise unfazed. "Speaking of which, if I want to go out to visit someone, do I need a key or how does this work?" "It's better if you stay here in the house for now. It's for your safety, after all." "For how long?", you want to know. The answer is short. "As long as necessary." "So I'm sort of locked in here”, you state. That's typical Shield. As soon as there's any problem, an agent is sent in to put everything in solitary arrest or quarantine. As long as it’s shielded from the rest of the world. Natasha stops in front of a door that is now yours, but doesn't look directly at you, which as much of an answer as you get. "I'll be fine on my own now, thanks," you smile politely but not genuinely at her, and after she assures you that you're free to move around inside the building, you head off with your luggage in your new apartment.

[beautiful-and-terrible]

dazed ‘n’ confused (part 4)

A/N: just a quick chapter for you guys before i have to put this story on the back burner :( i have an annual essay coming up in school that i gotta focus on. anyway, hope you like the gangs drunk shennanigans

Ship: Rodrick Heffley / OFC

Warnings: underage drinking / drug use, inebriated driving (DONT DRIVE DRUNK KIDS THIS IS A FICTIONAL STORY DONT BE STUPID :) )

---

“If we get caught, my mom’ll kill me,” Rodrick groaned.

“Let’s bounce,” Nicole said, untangling herself from him and grabbing his hand as they ran further into the back yard, looking for an escape route.

“I’ll boost you,” Rodrick said, gesturing to the fence. Nicole nodded, not thinking of a better plan, and wanting to get out of there as fast as possible. She stepped into the make-shift step Rodrick made with his palms, and as she swung a leg over the fence, he pushed her the rest of the way. It wasn’t the most graceful execution, and she ended up landing on her ass with a grunt of pain.

Rodrick also clumsily made his way over the fence - both of them being drunk and high didn’t help their coordination much. “Sorry, are you good?” Rodrick said, clutching his shin, and Nicole waved him off.

“It’s fine, let's just get to the van.”

“Oh, fuck, the van!” Rodrick hissed, “The pigs are totally gonna know it’s mine.” With a big fucking stupid band name written on the side, Nicole reckoned he was right - it was pretty easy to identify, even without the plates.

“I can drive, don’t worry,” Nicole said, already starting toward the white van, creeping between other cars on the street.

“Nikky, you’re as trashed as I am, no way am I letting you drive.”

“Trust me, hot Rod,” Nicole said, slipping her hand into his front pocket and pulling out his keys before he could even blink. As they approached his van, Chris and Ben appeared in the shadows next to them, whispering excitedly as they spotted them.

“As soon as we saw the lights we bolted,” Ben snickered, but Chris looked concerned.

“Yo, I hope Caitlin doesn’t get arrested. There was a lotta booze in there,” he muttered, and Ben smacked his arm.

“You whipped, dude?”

Chris scoffed, “No, I would just feel bad for anyone in that sitch.”

“I agree,” Nicole said, feeling guilty that she couldn’t help Caitlin get out of trouble.

“C’mon, let’s fucking go,” Rodrick said, and all at once the four of them dashed to the van. Nicole jumped in the driver's seat, shoving the key in the ignition with some fumbling, and peeling out from their parking spot across the street from Caitlin’s house with enough force to make even Rodrick proud.

“We’ll make a NASCAR driver out of you yet, Nikky,” Rodrick laughed, whooping as he leaned his head out the window like a dog, the night air tangling through his hair. Ben scrambled up to the front seat from the back of the van, fiddling with the radio before he settled on a station playing “Where Is My Mind” by Pixies. Nicole turned up the volume to its top capacity, concentrating on the road lines in front of her. The adrenaline of avoiding the cops had sobered her up a little, but she was still feeling paranoid from the weed and drowsy from the beer. She drove as slowly as she dared so as not to seem suspicious. 

“Thanks for being our getaway driver, Nicole,” Chris said, his words slurring a little more than she had noticed previously. She looked back and saw him chugging a beer in the back.

“Dude, don’t fucking drink while I’m driving! We’re already in deep shit as it is,” Nicole said, turning on to the main street of downtown Plainview. Just a few more turns and they’d be home.

“You’re deep in something, alright,” Ben cackled, and he and Chris high-fived.

“Yeah, six inches deep in your mom,” Nicole shot back, and Rodrick let out an “ooooooo”, pointing at Ben, “Gotcha, bitch.”

Eventually, by some miracle, they made it to Nicole’s street. She hit the curb as she pulled up in front of her and Rodrick’s house, causing all three boys to shriek in unison. Nicole dissolved into giggles, both in relief of finally being out of danger and in reaction to the boys high-pitched screams of indignation.

“She’s an antique, Nikky!” Rodrick said, jumping out of the van to stumble to the front and assess the damage.

“Oh, I’m fine, by the way,” Nicole snarked, and Rodrick suddenly looked at her intensely, giving her a slightly blurry-eyed up-and-down look. 

“Fine as hell,” he muttered, loud enough for her to hear, and she blushed, biting her lip to keep from smiling too widely.

“Rodrick, can we crash at your place,” Ben asked, Chris making puppy dog eyes at him.

“Me too - I don’t wanna wake my parents up. Our front door is creaky as shit,” Nicole said.

Rodrick sighed loudly, as if he were being asked to do something terribly inconvenient. 

“Yeah, fine. Y’all want mac and cheese?”

The four of them, all drunk and high as kites, looked at each other and nodded in perfect synchronicity. 

As quietly as they could for four fucked up teenagers, they snuck their way into Rodricks kitchen. He pulled out a four pack of Kraft Mac and Cheese microwave cups from the pantry, filling them all with way too much water and sticking all four of them, at the same time, in the microwave.

“Dude, can I eat this beef jerky?” Chris asked, rummaging through the pantry.

“They’re my dads,” Rodrick said, as if that offered an explanation. “If you wanna explain to him why they’re gone, knock yourself out.”

Chris slowly put the bag back, looking put out.

Nicole stood next to Ben, both of them leaning on the kitchen counter. Nicole looked over at him, and he looked back, giving her a little smile. He wasn’t bad looking, but where as Rodrick was endearing because he tried to seem cool and really wasn’t, Ben had an effortless coolness about him.

“Thanks for coming with us tonight, Ben,” Nicole said. The alcohol must be making her feel emotional. After all, they had only just met today.

“Aww, Nikky, of course! I never pass up an opportunity for debauchery,” Ben said, giving her shoulder a squeeze. He pronounced debauchery like “de-booch-ery”, but Nicole was too drunk to catch the mistake. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Rodrick glaring at Ben. Dumbass, he has no reason to be jealous, Nicole thought to herself, and gave him a little reassuring wave by wiggling her fingers in his direction.

“Yo, be careful on this mac, its fucking hot,” Rodrick said, pulling the cups out of the microwave. They still had water in them, and the cheese powder wasn’t fully mixed in, but in the moment it was the most delicious thing Nicole had ever tasted.

“Should we watch a movie?” Ben suggested, and Chris bounced on his toes excitedly.

“Killer Clowns from Space!! Pleeeaaaase! You’ve been promising me for weeks now that we’d watch it.”

Ben sighed, Rodrick rolled his eyes, but Nicole had no opinion on the subject, so she made the executive decision to say, “I’m down.”

Ben and Rodrick both groaned, and Chris gave her a fist bump from across the kitchen island.

“Nikky has taste, sorry guys,” Chris said, looking very smug as he slurped his luke-warm mac and cheese.

They all somehow stumbled up to Rodrick’s room - Nicole belatedly realized she had been dreaming about being in his room for weeks, and now that she was here took the time to really appreciate what was in front of her.

A person’s room can tell you everything you need to know about them. For one, Rodrick was messy, but no more messy than any other average teenage boy. Clothes on the floor and the back of his desk chair, thrown haphazardly over a bean-bag in the corner of the room. There were christmas lights strung from the ceiling, both white and rainbow, that gave the room a cozy vibe that Nicole would���ve never expected from Rodrick.

His walls were mostly covered in band posters, and above his desk there was a cork board littered with tickets of concerts he had been to. Nicole almost seethed with jealousy at the sheer amount and quality of concerts he had been to - Leftover Crack, Pleasure Venom, Less than Jake, and one of Nicole’s personal favorites, Mannequin Pussy.

“You like Mannequin Pussy?” Nicole said, whipping her head around to look at Rodrick. 

“That's not the only kind of pussy he likes,” Ben hollered, causing Chris to smack him upside the head.

“There's a lady present, dumbass,” Chris said, and Ben raised his hands in surrender.

“I think you mean that’s the only kind of pussy he gets,” Nicole said, throwing a teasing wink toward Rodrick, who blushed bright red.

“Yeah, they’re good. Romantic is my favorite album,” Rodrick said, scratching the back of his neck self consciously. Ben and Chris started making kissing noises in his direction, and Rodrick threw a pillow at them.

As Chris and Ben fought over who would set up the projector, Nicole let her snooping instincts take over, looking at the other miscellaneous things Rodrick had around his room - empty liquor bottles filled with more lights, a surprising amount of books (mostly graphic novels), a lava lamp filled with miniature rubber ducks, and mushroom paraphernalia. Everywhere. His pillowcases, the tapestry above his bed, and the stickers on his water bottle all had holographic or brightly colored mushrooms on them. She was so absorbed in her investigation she didn’t even notice Rodrick next to her until he spoke.

“Committing it to memory? You might never be in here again,” Rodrick said with a small smirk. Nicole gave him a look out of the corner of her eye.

“I wouldn’t count on it, babe,” Nicole said boldly. She felt the warmth of Rodrick’s hand on her hip, and looked up at him. And his lips. She wanted to kiss him again so badly it was like a drug, her body telling her to get her next fix as quickly and as often as possible. Being in his space, the place he let himself be his most authentic self, was very intimate, even with Chris and Ben still arguing in the corner.

Rodrick looked away shyly, squeezing her hip once before turning back to the boys. Chris had evidently lost the rock-paper-scissors match to set up the movie on the projector, and was adjusting the screen on the far wall of Rodrick’s room, trying to find a website to pirate the movie from.

“If we’re gonna watch this shit let’s do it,” he said, settling himself in the beat up reclining chair he had, arms above his head. He should be illegal, Nicole thought to herself, making herself comfortable on the bed.

Which ended up being a mistake, because 20 minutes into the movie, Nicole was asleep. She felt a blanket being gently placed over her before she was dead to the world.

[fragilefears]

On Taskhand Adeen & Essek:

Ok buckle up. I wrote these notes in my phone like 2 months ago while re-listening to c2e90, after doing a re-listen-binge starting from when the Nein decide to pursue Obann in e64.

It kinda only really occurred to me then that while we now know Essek handed the beacons over to the Assembly, the whole Angel-of-Irons-opening-rifts thing was presented as being intertwined with the beacons being given to the Empire... and Essek pinning it on Taskhand Adeen was equally convenient for him and disturbing for everyone else...

and then it was all peace talks and a new beacon and learning that Essek was into shit with the Assembly (and having the Assembly just blatantly LIE repeatedly about their experience with the beacons) and there was so much to process, just... it felt kinda glossed over that the Angel of Irons cult, on its own, was still pretty fucked up with agents on both sides, separate to the beacons. Right?

Like... we’ve now confirmed they were separate things? Like I don’t know that Essek had anything to do with Obann and rifts to the abyss or any of that? So...

Taskhand Adeen did do shady cult shit with Vence? Everybody worried about Essek pinning his actions on an innocent man... Essek doesn’t hide that he thinks he’s a shitty guy so he’s got beef with him for some reason... but also consider that maybe he’s not just some completely undeserving dude on Essek’s petty shitlist?

So I got creative in wildly speculating what might have happened between these two in the Dynasty based on vibes and (albeit questionable) subtext from canon.

Maybe in doing Angel of Irons stuff with Vence, Adeen discovered Essek working with Ludinus.

He used that information to blackmail Essek into doing something (extra work, his Taskhand duties, personal errands?) - and the tiredness in Essek when the Nein meets him is because he’s basically doing both his and Adeen’s jobs or something. (Definitely Essek was also tired from the lying and covering up his own shithead actions but why couldn’t it be both?)

So Essek couldn’t go to the BQ about Adeen without also incriminating himself for dealings in the Empire... and maybe he didn’t understand enough about the cult to bring it up in court, so he just had to take it: until Allura came to call and expressed the severity of the cult to the BQ.

now Essek had a reason to arrest Adeen, and why not also pin the beacons on him since he’d have to modify his memory anyway, to remove the knowledge of Essek’s contacts with the empire... just tweak it so he believed it was himself handing over the beacons.

And the beating it out of him, the show of violence to get the confession, makes so much more sense for Essek to have had a serious desire for vengeance, rather than beating an innocent man just to look the part. Essek’s effectively had a big ol’ role in the war erupting and the loss of many lives, and while at the time he did not care so much as he cared about the information on the beacons he got in return, Essek never behaved as someone who enjoyed being cruel to innocents for the sake of cruelty. But if the Taskhand has been blackmailing and bullying him for 2 years, I could see him having some frustration to get out.

It is, of course, entirely possible (even likely?) that Adeen was just manipulated from the start and never deep in the cult, and his recommendation to assault Rexxentrum at the same time Obann infiltrated the cathedral was just him being influenced by Obann... but what if Adeen was actually fully responsible for his role with Vence and Obann and the rifts and shit?

[real-jaune-isms]

RWBY Volume 8 Chapter 13 Review/Remix

We should have guessed something would go wrong. Things were going way too right at the end of the last chapter. But shit didn’t just hit the fan, it hit the ground and then bounced over the edge into an abyss. And with only the finale chapter left in this Volume, I can’t imagine how they’re going to fix all of this before we have to wait another year for more good news.

Since we can’t have bad without first knowing good, the writers are kind enough to open this episode with some hope. Jaune’s half of the group, that is to say JNR plus Oscar and Emerald, see one of the portals open for them in the communications room. They don’t know if people will actually know to use these things to evacuate without the message Jaune was trying to send, so they decide to do some portal hopping and spread the word on foot. But first they have to make sure these things actually work, so they need to send a giunea pig through. Just his luck, they send Jaune and it does not pair well with his history of motion sickness. He doesn’t hurl, but he does land on his face and rise to his hands and knees when he safely comes out the other side of what looked like the trippy space rift from 2001 a Space Odyssey. The others follow close behind and take a moment to be in awe of this pocket dimension they find themselves in. Jaune recovers quickly and takes command. He and Nora will be going from portal to portal spreading the word about evacuation to Vacuo, while Ren Oscar and Emerald will be leading the pack and calling Shade Academy once they’re in Vacuo that they need to prep for hundreds of refugees. They part ways and Oscar gives a playful little salute, then Jaune leaps over the edge of the platform they were on. Someone should have told him about Ambrosius’ dire warning last week... Okay fine, we see a frame or two of him opening his shield so clearly he’s gliding down to the nearest other portal not falling into the void. Meanwhile Nora is once again riding Magnhild like a rocket powered broomstick to fly away into a portal of her own. We abruptly cut to a subway station where everyone is comedically hiding behind the stairway and peek out to look at the portal before them. One civilian is coaxed into stepping forward and checking it out, so he throws a rock at it. Because his luck continues to screw him over, Jaune comes through at that exact moment and gets hit on the head with the rock. His sudden appearance scares everyone into diving behind the stairs again, but they do peek out once more after taking a second to realize they just saw a person come through to talk to them. Jaune pulls out his Scroll to show them his Huntsman license so they’ll take him seriously, and presumably it works out great. We see Penny and RWBY coming in through their own portal and likewise being amazed by Ambrosius’ handiwork before seeing other people starting to pour in while Nora and Jaune are calling out directions and reassurances, such as the Happy Huntresses and the refugees under their protection. They wonder aloud about how few people have come through yet, but the priority is getting Penny and the Staff into Vacuo safely so they’ve got to trust Jaune’s team with this. Speaking of Vacuo and Jaune’s team, we see what happens when the green team gets into the desert outside the city. There’s an intense sandstorm raging around the area where the portal lets them out, and they can’t see which way to go to reach Shade. Worse still, cell service is down so they can’t call anyone. And civilians are starting to come through into this chaos so it’s just getting worse and worse. Ren can mask them from any Grimm that might catch a whiff of all that negativity, but only for so long.

As Nora is leaving one crowd of incoming civies to go help bring in another, Cinder arrives hiding beneath a cloak and we see her give a little smirk. Next thing we know, and explosion goes off and at least a dozen innocent people are launched into the void below. Irreversible consequences there, as far as we know, and it causes a real panic. Team RWBY tell Penny to just keep going into Vacuo while they deal with this, and we see Cinder gleefully flying around looking for the object of her hatred. She spots which way the team is heading and blasts some fire in the path to cut Ruby off. Cinder makes a clear reference to something Oscar said in an earlier conversation the heroes shared, and this throws the girls for a bit of a loop but they’re still ready to throw down. 

With a swing of Crescent Rose, we cut back to Cinder and Watts meeting with Neo in the alleyway. She’s learned you catch more flies with honey than vinegar, so she apologizes for how she’s treated Neo and promises she will get the revenge she wants so badly this time, but in order to do that Cinder will need to use the Lamp. Neo reluctantly does some magic of her own and pulls the Lamp out of her hat. The two glare at each other for a moment as Neo refuses to let it go, but she conceded and through unknown means tells Cinder the password. Maybe she wrote it on her Scroll and showed her? Either way, Cinder uses the final question to ask to be shown what Team RWBY’s plan is for the handoff with Ironwood. Jinn seems upset to hear she has to go against those nice kids, but the rules of her existence must be obeyed so she grants it anyway. I got some real “Jafar steals the lamp from Aladdin” vibes, and I can’t say I minded being reminded of that great Disney film. Cinder’s trio get to see every conversation the heroes have planning out all the successes we just saw last episode, and now we know they’re totally prepared to make it go wrong at every turn. Seeing Cinder so in control and prepared brought me back to Volume 3 where she was at her most dangerous as a villain, and that’s not a bad thing. It’s been a long time coming and justifies her continuation as a threat. What quelled the pit in my stomach a bit was the look of betrayal when Cinder realized Emerald switched sides on her. She recovers quickly and suggests they help Watts finish what he started and tear the Kingdom down with his intellect. To that end they break into Atlas central command and slaughter just about everybody inside. This would seem to include that devil of the workplace Bill who spilled coffee and microwaved salmon at work. And if that was Velvet’s dad as we liked to theorize, then that’s a real shame. The ladies leave Watts to his work, but on her way out Cinder tells Watts this is everything he deserves, possibly as a way to mend bridges between them. I prefer to hope she sealed that door shut behind her and she’s leaving him to die with the plummeting city because she’s still mad he roasted her. We see that Jaune’s warning broadcast getting cut short was indeed Watt’s doing, and just to be more of an asshole he wipes a bloodstain off an apple and eats it while he does so. With that sabotage taken care of he shifts focus to the airship hangar where the birds are cuffing the Ace Ops. But they only manage to restrain Elm before Watts sends an AK (Atlesian Knight) into the area and has it charge right at them primed to self destruct. It almost gets Robyn but Marrow jumps in the way and is knocked out. That means his Semblance wears off and Harriet is free to sprint into the airship the bomb is still loaded on to. She’s intent on finishing this last mission even if it means killing herself. Vine runs after her and manages to grab the closing cargo door with his stretchy arms before it’s too late. Robyn and Qrow are left quite worried.

Speaking of desperately destructive military personnel, Ironwood regains consciousness in his cell to the sound of crumbling debris and the realization of his failure at the hands of these teens. Jacques is in the next cell and wastes no time criticizing him for failing to keep Atlas afloat. He’s happy to gloat that his fellow man has lost, though he does wistfully admit he’s lost too. Ironwood looks like he might have a breakdown as he processes the fact that all his efforts have been foiled and he can’t be the hero of this situation, that those he thinks are the dangerous insurrection who will ruin everything are going to win... when he hears a buzzing sound. The door to his cell seems to be glitching before shutting down entirely. He’s hesitant to walk out but it stays deactivated and he finds his weapons just casually lying on the ground a few yards away from his cell. Jacques seems to not understand there are consequences to insulting a person every chance you can get and pleads for James to let him out of his cell too. Ironwood just silently loads up his big laser gun and turns it on the door of Jacques’ cell. Sure, he’ll open the door, he says emotionlessly. And the man opens fire. Jacques has a moment to realize what’s happening and seems fearful, but he lost the pity of the FNDM 4 Volumes ago. Whatever Ironwood calls this cannon of his, it leaves behind green fire and annihilates Jacques’ cell... and him along with it. Weiss’ father in name alone is dead and the Schnee family will never get a chance to settle things properly with him for how he treated them. Weiss arresting him, Winter promising him Weiss wants him to be rescued from the falling city, gods only know what Willow had said to him last, and whatever obedience Whitley showed him before he was dragged off to jail. There are the last things they said to him and they have to live with that forever. Question is, who’s going to tell them Jimmy did the deed? He’s got no time to do so, he’s a man with a mission. 

We go from one fiery dilemma to another as Team RWBY are still struggling to deal with Cinder even 4 on 1. She flies upward and creates a cyclone of fire beneath her to make it that much harder to reach her, before complimenting the team on the depth of their plan. She acknowledges she wouldn’t have been able to deal with it by herself, so in a way she’s grateful these girls taught her to ask for help. That help indeed comes from Neo, who’s approaching in disguise from behind Ruby. Yang notices Neo approaching, and charges in to push Ruby out of the way. But that means Yang takes the hit instead, and it takes out the last of her Aura. She hits the ground hard, and tumbles over the edge of the platform. In a threefold shot we see Neo mad that someone got in the way of her surprise attack, while Ruby and Weiss are freaking out and Blake immediately sprints past the latter to try and make a save. She throws Gambol Shroud as far as the ribbon will let it go, but it’s not far enough. Yang falls into the void below, dissolving into gold sparkles once she reaches a certain depth. This has all seemingly happened in a matter of seconds, which would explain why Ruby didn’t have enough time to get back on her feet from being shoved to the ground and use her Semblance to try and save her sister, and why Weiss didn’t have a chance to try and catch her on any glyphs or summon a Lancer to ride down and catch her. She’s not the fastest with making those summons anyway, she’s still got some room for improvement before she can make instant saves in that way. Long story short, 

Don’t give the writers shit for having Blake be the only one able to try and help.

The fact that she fails to save her partner is of course very upsetting for Blake and she screams Yang’s name with all the appropriate despair and sorrow. Ruby doesn’t have a lot of time to process the fact that her sister may have just died since Neo wastes no time attacking her and all her focus has to go into self defense and trying to win that fight. We can see in the background Weiss holding Blake back, because this poor woman seems to want nothing more than to dive in after Yang either out of suicidal despair or a last feverish hope that she survived and can be rescued. The denial and depression soon turns to anger though, and she grabs her weapon with a look of murderous rage before charging in to attack Neo for what she did. She grabs Neo with her ribbon and tries to slice her in two, but it’s just an illusion and the real one is fighting with Ruby heading up a pathway towards one of the portals. Weiss turns her attention back to Cinder, and is doing an okay job of holding her own but not getting any hits in of her own. The tables seem like they could turn for our protagonists when Penny flies in to join the fight and punches Cinder in the face. But Weiss didn’t want Penny getting involved, and Cinder seems pretty glad to get another rematch with her. And she certainly is more prepared this time, compared to Penny who tries to summon her swords and forgot she doesn’t have them anymore. She takes a hit and lands in a crowd of civilians, though she does land on her feet and quickly improvise by making some new swords with her magic and then flying back into the fray. Weiss skates on her glyphs up a path to get a better vantage point, and pulls Cinder out of attack mode with a black holding glyph that seems to yank on her like gravity. Turns out the glyphs are vulnerable to fire though, so Cinder burns through it and quickly finds where Weiss is so she can send a flurry of fiery glass blades her way. Weiss happened to choose a spot right by 3 portals so there’s about a dozen innocent bystanders around her that are in danger. She thinks fast and summons her Knight’s sword to shield them, but some of the blades do go through a portal and send some other people diving for cover in the train station. Jaune is there to defend some of them with his shield, and immediately realizes the evacuation job just got a lot harder. Unfortunately for Weiss, these glass shards superheat and explode at her feet, sending her flying off the platform. She still has Aura though, and catches herself on a glyph to catch her breath. In the meantime, Cinder goes back on the defensive against Penny and Ladybug continue to tag team against Neo. Blake hears screaming and realizes she could also try and help Weiss and Penny deal with Cinder, but feels really conflicted about it. Who needs her more, can she just give up on getting vengeance for Yang? What can she even do against a Maiden? She just doesn’t know.

Back in the skies, Harriet is getting close to Mantle when she gets an alert of a disturbance in the airship’s cargo hold. Putting the controls on autopilot, she goes down to check on it and sees Vine made it aboard. She’s about to arm the bomb, but he stops her and voices his thoughts that this may not be the best plan for them anymore, much to her annoyance. She asks him if this is really the side he wants to take here and now, and he doesn’t want to call it a divide like that. But he lays out the facts: Their commanding officer has been deposed so his authority is moot, the city is going down and there’s likely going to be no stopping that, and the people are going to be brought to safety regardless. So why bother bombing a city full of innocents whose other options are run away to the barren desert or be crushed under a giant hunk of rock? But Harriet isn’t having that shit. It’s the principle of the matter, it’s about following through and standing with her decisions. If she’s not obeying what Ironwood ordered... then what is she anymore? To disobey him or let the teens continue their rescue efforts means acknowledging they’re in the right and she’s wrong. And after the last few days of seeing them as her enemy and losing a fight to them... her pride just won’t allow it. She has to see this through, because it’s what Clover would have done. He was a good soldier, he died doing what the general told him he had to. Vine admits that doesn’t mean he was right to die on that hill. He wasn’t an infallible paragon of good judgment. Harriet doesn’t like hearing that either, but she can’t seem to find the right words to defend her stance on Clover. Probably because those words are something to the tune of “Clover was my friend, and I want to do right by him because I miss him dearly”. But to say that would mean the Ace Ops were also wrong after the mission in the mines, when they were so condescending in telling Team RWBY that you have to just be coworkers with your team and you can’t be friends. And she seems to prefer suicide bombing death over admitting some teenagers knew more about friendship and teamwork than her and her squad. That ego and temper really need some working on, and one starts to worry she’s too far gone to ever get a chance at working on them. Before Vine can give some heartfelt reassurances about being allowed to feel their feelings for each other the airship gets bumped hard and Harriet goes back into angry work first mode. She arms the bomb and tries to dump Vine out the cargo doors before rushing back up to the cockpit and regaining control of the ship. The bumping was caused by Robyn flying another airship into them to try and keep the bomb from being delivered, because how was she to know Vine was about to defuse the whole situation? She does have the good sense to let up on her efforts and come around behind the other airship to rescue Vine when she sees he’s hanging on for dear life. In the meantime, Harriet has to deal with another angry bird as Qrow uses his bird form to fly right up to her windshield and turns back at the last second to crash through the glass and tackle her to the floor. The two fall down the ladder back into the cargo hold, where Qrow seems ready and willing to give Harriet the rematch she’s been wanting so badly. But since nobody’s at the controls and Harriet didn’t turn autopilot back on, the ship’s going to crash... except it’s not because Watts overwrites that too and makes sure the bomb is gonna get where he wants it to.

Down in the Vault, Winter is trying to call any of the teens she can reach to get an update on the plan’s progress. No signal, we know now to thank Watts for that, but what she does find is a red dot appearing on the ground and quickly moving to the center of her chest. She promptly realizes its a laser sight and puts up a glyph to shield herself, but it’s a real strong green blast. Ironwood is coming down the elevator with his greek fire cannon, and he fully intents to put his former lieutenant down for betraying him. For all his paranoia he never thought she would stab him in the back, but that’s just what happens when you have good people at your side while you go mad with power. James tries one last time to insist he knows the right course of action for Atlas. Winter should just step aside and let him kill Team RWBY to reclaim the Staff and Make Atlas Floating Again. But she won’t back down, it is her job and her passion to protect Atlas and its people, and she’s not quitting in the face of this new enemy of the peace. Because Ironwood is the villain here, as much as he thinks he’s right. The extremes he considers necessary are too far. Ironwood actually sheds a tear when faced with this declaration, but I think it’s the last of his heart and humanity leaving as he shuts himself off from all but his machine like devotion to the cause.

Back in the Vacuan desert, Ren’s Aura runs out after spending a few minutes masking thousands of refugees, and the three green teens wonder where the heck Penny is, since she should have been among the first through the portal and her Maiden powers would be able to make quick work of the sandstorm. Oscar grows especially concerned and tries to run back into the pocket dimension to go check on her, but he hits the portal hard and gets bounced back. Oz realizes this new issue is Ambrosius’ doing, and we flashback to when Weiss was telling the big blue builder how to make the central location and all its portals. She happened to use the phrase “a one-way ticket to Vacuo”, since they had no intention of going back to the crashing Atlas. But Ambros took that too literally in the wrong way, and made the Vacuo portal the only one to be one way. They can hop around between Atlas portals all they want, but once you’re in Vacuo there’s no going back to help with the fight they don’t even know is happening yet. But these three have problems of their own, because bat-like Grimm are swarming in and attacking the unguarded civilians. We end the episode there, and boy am I not ready for the finale to only make things worse before 8 months of no resolutions. Are you?

[taetaesbaebaepsae]

BTS Reaction to Recording a Sex Tape

Idk who requested this but man y’all are trying to kill me, it’s been a while back I’m working on them but I need G A T O R A D E

Ya’ll asked for smut and I hope I delivered

Warnings: hoo boy, obvious smut, sex tapes, it’s a sex tape imagine there’s a lot of sex videos, some degradation, collars, choking, public sex, car sex, elevator blowjob, rough sex

Word Count: 2019 words of absolute sin

Namjoon

He’d be against the idea at first

You’d have to talk him into it, because he’s worried about it getting released, you getting found out as his girlfriend, all the scandal it might cause

But like, it won’t take too long to talk him into it, because he’s hard as a rock the second you suggest it

He will never film you with a phone camera or something like that he wants a real camera on a tripod

He’ll want it somewhere standing up, you bent over a chair, a couch, something, so he can play it back later and see every time your ass jiggles

This will be a LONG video, sis

If you’re down he will deadass film you fucking for two hours

He’d want to film something kinky af after he’d watched the first one 200 times on tour

You come in from work and he’s holding a collar and a leash with a sheepish dimpled smile

He’d be lowkey shy about it and tell you again and again you didn’t have to

He’s so soft to you while putting it on, kissing you all over your face

“I love you so fucking much for doing this stupid shit for me, baby”

The second that camera clicks on though?

Total change, eyes all hard, serious face, barking orders, tugging your leash, gently at first and then harder when you moan and he knows you like it

The only phone camera filming he’ll do is of you on your knees with your mouth full, because he will watch that endless times on tour, the way you wink up at him, smiling around his cock, how he uses the leash to jerk your head up and down

After you’ve sucked the soul out of him and he’s panting on the couch he’ll want you cuddled up next to him, take a break, be soft to you again

And then the camera comes back on and it’s all yes sir, no sir or you’re getting punished

He’ll fuck you so hard over the back of a chair you’re afraid it’ll fall over

He’s all praise, though, even when the camera is on, even when he’s calling you a whore

“You look so fucking beautiful with this collar on, baby. You’re such a dirty girl, my pretty little whore, I love you.”

He will be so grateful and sweet for a full week after you let him film it

“You have no idea how much this will help me get through being without you on tour, baby. Thank you so much.”

He’ll sext you while he watches it on tour, too, and the time difference will make it so you’re getting the dirtiest texts while you’re at work or in class, blushing beet red

Seokjin

Jin doesn’t give a FUCK about the potential scandal we know he does what he wants

You don’t have to talk him into it, he probably asks you

The only thing he’d be worried about is if you’re comfortable with it

He’s not kinky but he IS vain so he’ll wanna be in full display on camera

He’ll want you on full display, too, though, he’ll want a combo of phone POV filming so he can film your tits bouncing when you ride him and a tripod set up, possibly with mirrors so he can get every angle

He’s pretty vanilla, so he wouldn’t get kinky like Namjoon 

But he would fuck you extra hard on camera

You'll roll your eyes at him at first bc he's very concerned about angles and lighting you're like "this is a sex tape, Seokjin, no one else will ever see it"

But when you watch it you're like, "oh, damn, ok" because look he DOES look amazing

All broad shoulders, that juicy mouth open in a moan

You're shook and maybe you watch it just as much as he does while he's away

He absolutely loves to hear that you're getting off to it while he's gone

"See, I told you princess. It's way better than porn, you get to see your worldwide handsome boyfriend fucking you instead of some spray tanned idiot."

He'll wanna make a dozen of them before a world tour

Will want to watch it with you when he gets back

"Look, right there, that's when you came the second time. Look at yourself, princess, you look so beautiful when you come apart."

Hobi

I get a real exhibitionist vibe from my man Hoseok

He's all for this as soon as you suggest it

"Can we do it right now?"

The first one will be something simple like filming you sucking him off

Seeing you through the camera really does something to him he moans so loud, comes so hard

He'll wanna film something wild the second time, so he'll suggest phone filming you in public

You going down on him in an elevator

Propping the phone on the dashboard and fucking you in backseat of a car

He's so bad at being quiet you're worried you'll get arrested

Nothing fancy about these he's no director, shaky cam and blurred images bc he gets more into the sex itself than filming it

You complain about your face being blurry

"I'm sorry! I was too busy making you scream my name to worry about the camera, babygirl."

He'll always call you when he's watching it on tour if he can

"Guess who's face I'm watching get covered in come right now?"

Speaking of, so much dirty talk sprinkled with praise in these videos

"You're so fucking tight. You take my cock so well, you naughty girl."

Yoongi

He'll agree right away because if you want it, he wants it

He's generous like that

But he'll barely be in the videos

It's all you all the time

He'll film you playing with yourself, film his fingers going in and out of you, closeup on your pussy while he's fucking you

That's all you see in the videos but you do hear his low voice, ordering you around, praising you, and honestly that's all you need

"Come for me, angel. Look at you. My good girl."

He won't admit it but he watches them all the time on tour, especially the ones where your face is in it a lot

Most of them are just you falling apart, him making you a keening mess underneath him, his hand around your throat, thumbing your collarbone

He'll let you film your own version from above while you ride him on the couch though, and it's your favorite, his eyes while he's watching you, his tongue flicking at the corner of his mouth as he bucks up into you, his low groans when he comes

He'd love it if you told him you were watching it to get off, if you called him panting, the sound of it in the background

"Aw, angel, you miss me that much, huh? How many fingers can you fit in that tight cunt, huh? Send me a picture."

Taehyung

The absolute best lighting

Perfect scenario, fucking candles lit and rosepetals and shit what a s a p

Tripod while he's slow dicking you, background music, sweet and sexy

He's all low moans and praise

A big fan of phone filming, but unlike Yoongi he'll let you film him just as much

"Jagi, you'll look so beautiful on camera. Let me film your face, yeah?"

Now, that's the first one

I feel a pretty strong exhibitionist vibe from Tae, for some reason

So subsequent videos will get better, hotter, rougher

He gets off on watching you get off, for sure, so he'd love it if you put on a show for him while the camera was on you, a little striptease, a lapdance while he's sitting in a chair, legs spread wide, tongue repeatedly wetting his lips

He'll watch you and pull out his cock, stroking slow, deep guttural moans, praising you in a hoarse voice

"God, I love it when you tease me, Jagi. You make me so fucking hard. Come closer."

He looks like a literal sex god when you play it back it's almost too much but that's when he gets shy

"Oh, God, no, I want the one of you riding me. I wanna see you, not me."

He'll watch them all the time on tour, when he misses you not just when he's horny because sex is love and love is sex in his eyes

Jimin

Blushing, giggly baby when you suggest it

You'll have to praise him to get him to do it

"But Jiminie, I want to have something for while you're away and you look so handsome when you're fucking me..."

Have I mentioned Jimin is a switch? Two thousand times, you say?

Well anyway, he's a switch from video to video it's wild

One of them he's dirty fucking you while you're on all fours, filming your ass jiggling, pulling out to eat you out from behind, he talks so much

"You taste so good, Jagi, you dirty girl, you're all but begging for my cock. You like how I fuck you, yeah?"

Next video you're riding him and filming his face and he's all pouty mouth open, whiny moans

"Aw, Jagi, don't clench around me like that. You'll make me come too fast...ah... please, let me flip you over. I'll fuck you so good, I promise."

You like to smirk and tell him how good his cock feels while you're on top because he'll throw his head back and moan so loud, cry out your name and buck up underneath you

He looks beautiful when he comes, mouth swollen from kisses, panting, and it's your favorite video in all the world

He will absolutely video chat you with his cock out if you tell him you're watching one of them

"I love it when you think only of me while I'm away, Jagi. You're my good girl, yeah?"

S w i t c h

Jungkook

"No. Absolutely not." Blushing, stubborn when you suggest it

"Don't you think it'd be hot to have a video of you fucking me for when you're away, Kookie? I'll let you do anything you want..."

Tease him a little and he's down he's an eager bunny

The first video will be quick and dirty

But he'll get high-key critical of them when you make more, become a director in the sexiest way possible

"Look right at the camera, babe. Ah, that's it, just like that. I wanna be able to see your eyes when you come, yeah?"

The best angles, honestly, close-ups of your pussy swallowing his cock, the line of your throat when you throw your head back and moan

He'll even worry about the acoustics of the room because he loves your moans, wants to be able to hear every caught breath

He'll set up cameras all over the house so if the mood strikes he can flip it on and fuck you on the kitchen counter

Will criticize his own stroke game after watching it several times

Will definitely improve

"I want to make you come at least three times in the next video, it was only twice in this one."

He will want to get a little kinky in a video, eventually, blindfold you, maybe bind your hands behind your back

He will get less and less shy, though, and his direction will be more giving orders and praise than actual direction

The Dom jumps out, is what I'm saying

Would love to film you while he overstimulated you to the point of near tears if you're down

Won't watch them with you unless you beg in person, shy about it

Loves to watch it on tour, every night with his earbuds in, though

Will demand you tell him if you watch it and if you text him he'll call you and talk you through it

Not shy at all over the phone, voice low and commanding

"Tell me where you want my hands, baby. Tell me how much you want my cock right now."

[honeypiehotchner]

Beautiful Stranger (Chris Evans x OFC) -- part nine

I just finished part eleven and EEEEK I can’t wait for you guys to read it. I know you’ll love it. Here’s part nine for now xx. (And enjoy the Sherlock cameo. I had to do it.)

I’m not entirely sure why-- Well, let’s back up.

I’m pissed. And when I’m pissed, my body goes on autopilot. I’ve always done that. One would think that autopilot would entail going straight to my apartment, because I’ve lived there for a while and it is my home. But that isn’t where my feet take me.

Chris walks into his living room with a strange smile on his face, and I jump when I see him, nearly waking Dodger. I don’t even know why I jump. This is Chris’s apartment, of course he’s going to be here.

I didn’t expect him to be in a t-shirt and shorts, though. I guess he just got back from the gym.

Damn.

Anyway. “I’m so sorry,” I blurt. “I just barged in without asking--”

“It’s okay--”

“But I’m just pissed and my body goes on autopilot when I’m pissed so--”

“Eva--”

“I was already inside when I realized where I was, but I didn’t see you anywhere, and then Dodger just wanted to get in my lap--”

“Eva.” Chris tries again, this time putting his hands on my shoulders so I’ll stop talking. “It’s okay.”

“Okay,” I breathe, realizing that he’s sitting right next to me, his thigh against mine. “I’m still sorry, though.”

“Don’t be,” Chris replies gently, reaching down to pet Dodger. “I’m sorry you had a bad day.”

I groan, leaning my head back dramatically and closing my eyes. “It’s fine.”

“Is it your boss?”

“How’d you guess?”

“Just had a feeling,” Chris murmurs. “You wanna talk about it?”

“Not really.” I lift my head so I can look at him. “If that’s okay.”

“It’s okay,” he assures me. “What do you want for dinner?”

I furrow my eyebrows. “You’re not cooking?”

He raises his. “Did you like my cooking that much?”

“Maybe,” is all I say. Because I feel like it’s a bit too soon to say I really enjoyed just watching him cook. Something about it was so gentle and domestic and I miss it. It was sweet to get to play with Dodger on the floor while Chris cooked on the counter above us. It was so...anxiety and stress-free.

“Well, I can see what I can do,” he pauses. “But I thought you’d maybe wanna go out tonight.”

“Only if you want to,” I immediately say. “And only if your publicist won’t kill you. Aren’t you on house arrest?”

He shrugs. “I can wear a hat. And sunglasses.”

I give him a strange look. “Only if you want to.”

“Do you want to?”

“Chris,” I chuckle, wondering now what’s going on with him. “I’m perfectly okay with hanging out here. I’ve had a long day and I’d be fine with just...ordering pizza or something and watching a movie. We don’t need to go out and risk you getting in more trouble.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure,” I nod. “What movie are we watching?”

“I wanted to let you pick,” he accepts my subject change (thank God) and tosses me the remote. “I’m gonna go order the pizza. What do you like?”

“Everything,” I breathe, turning the TV on. I pause when he pats my leg before standing, turning to smile at him. “Hey, thank you.”

He reaches over and squeezes my hand that’s resting on top of Dodger, smiling genuinely. He doesn’t say anything besides that, though, and leaves the room.

He comes back a second later with his phone and I see that he’s online ordering from Dominos. 

“Hey, hey, what are you doing?”

Chris looks up suddenly, eyes wide. “What?”

“Don’t order Dominos,” I groan.

“What should I order, then?”

I roll my eyes dramatically. I’m so hungry. “You’ve been in Atlanta for how long? And you haven’t had Johnny’s? For shame.”

He leans back on the couch. “Johnny’s?”

“Johnny’s New York Style Pizza,” I finish. “It’s the best pizza you’ll ever have, promise.”

“That’s really high praise.”

“Well, it’s really good pizza,” I fire back with a smile. “Trust me, it’s my go-to comfort food when I’ve had a bad day. It never lets me down.”

Chris frowns then, and I can tell by his eyes that he wants to press the subject, so I look away. 

“Then that’s what I’ll order,” he says quietly, full of sympathy. 

“I’ll pay,” I say casually, but I should’ve known he wouldn’t let me.

“No,” he shakes his head. “You’ve had a bad day. I’m paying.”

“Fine,” I give in easily, only because I did, in fact, have a bad day. “But I’m paying next time.”

He hesitates for a few moments before saying, “Deal.” And there’s a long pause after, which takes me a few moments to look over and see he has his hand stuck out for me to shake.

I give him a look, wondering if he’s making fun of me for last night, but he gives me one back, so I shake his hand. His lips split into a grin, and he holds my hand. I try not to think too much while he’s holding my hand, but all I can think is how soft his hands are and how gentle he holds mine. He’s such a gentle creature.

He carefully takes his hand away before it gets too awkward -- even though I already feel awkward -- and goes back to ordering the pizza. 

“Have you ever seen Sherlock?”

“What?”

“Sherlock,” I say again, gesturing to the show I now have pulled up on the TV. “It’s a British show.”

Chris furrows his eyebrows. “I think Scott watches it.”

“Who’s Scott?”

“Oh, my brother,” Chris chuckles. “Then I’ve got two sisters, Carly and Shanna.”

“Older?”

He nods. “Scott’s the youngest.”

“You definitely have that older brother vibe.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

He’s got that teasing glint in his eye as he feigns defense and annoyance at my obviously true observation.

“You just look like you’d get him into trouble,” I draw out my words and shake my head. “That’s definitely how I think my brother would’ve been.”

“Would’ve been?”

“Oh,” I chuckle, realizing that this is the first time I’ve slipped up about my brother. Here we go. “He’s my half-brother, anyway, so we didn’t grow up together. But he’s in the military now.”

“Oh,” Chris replies softly. “So you guys don’t talk anymore?”

“We do, here and there,” I offer, trying not to say too much. I can’t say much exactly. I know he’s in the military, and I know he works much deeper than your normal, average soldier. He couldn’t even tell me what it was before he left. All he could say was that our emails might be a little sparse for a while. “Just not as much.” 

It’s been over a year. I try not to worry about the possibility of him being dead.

“What’s his name?”

“Austin,” I reply. “I haven’t talked about him to anyone in a long time.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” I breathe, wondering why the hell I’m about to continue talking about him. “He’s been in the military for...almost fifteen years? He went in right when he was eighteen, didn’t want to go to college but dad told him he had to do something.”

“So you guys had the same father?”

“Mhm,” I nod. “Dad had no idea about Austin for a while. He was already sixteen when I met him.”

“How much older is he?”

“Just five years, he’s thirty-three.”

“Oh, me too,” Chris chuckles.

“Wait, really?”

He feigns hurt again. “You look shocked.”

“Because I am!” I exclaim. “I swore you were my age or something.”

“I’m not that much older,” he protests.

“I dunno…” I trail away. “Five years is a long time…”

“And to think, I’m buying you pizza.”

“Hey, I offered to pay,” I counter, pointing at him. “That’s all on you for turning me down.”

“I didn’t turn you down,” he defends. “Just...gave you a raincheck.”

“That I will be taking,” I reply seriously. “Now, back to Sherlock,” I hit play on Netflix and sit back as the first episode begins to play.

+++

With two episodes of Sherlock under our belts and the large pizza we ordered completely finished, Chris and I sit in a somewhat silence while the third episode loads. But I glance at the clock and wonder if I should stay for another episode, or leave while we’re ahead.

Chris’s arm found its way around my shoulder halfway through the second episode after we had finished eating, and I still haven’t found the courage to move. Dodger is in between us -- kind of. He’s more sprawled out across both of our laps, but we’re right next to each other.

The theme song plays and Chris asks, “Do you have work tomorrow?”

I nod. “Yeah. Do you?”

He shakes his head. “I have one more day off. Do you need to go?”

I think it over. “I can stay for one more episode.”

“Okay.”

“I like the show,” I murmur.

“Yeah,” I hear him say. “Me too.”

I don’t look at him, but I can feel him looking at me. I want to make some joke about how he should watch the show, not me, but I don’t. I can’t.

Because all I can think about is how it sounded when he said he liked the show too.

I don’t think he was talking about the show.

[badlydrawndrawnings]

ATWQ Book Three Thoughts

I finally got time this week to finished reading the third ATWQ book, and I got to say, I am honestly very, very scared how this series is going to end. I am feeling a sense of dread I don’t think I got when reading ASOUE as a child. Something about this series is making me go (O.O) with a dash of 8U I had no expectations on what the hell would this third book even hold. This is honestly all over the place like seriously...

This book just got me shook.

Okay, so first all...BERTRAND WAS THEODORA’S LAST APPRENTICE? Holy **** this was one of the many things that shook me to the core.  “He’d end up married to a wonderful woman and have very charming children, while I languished alone and lonely.” Lemony Snicket you have no idea what you just foretold for your future. 

Prosper Lost really decided to tell Lemony about his family (daughter Ornette  + brothers in law?) and shows he isn’t just a nosy, sneaky and lurking in the background type of guy. He has great concerns that aren’t related to his business it goes to the whole freaking town! I get the feeling something bad happened in his past and with a fire like shoot why else is he working the Official Fire Department. I guess it has something to do with his wife (I assume since he has a daughter).

In regards to Ornette, I don’t have a true clear thought or opinion of her yet. Cleo while showing up late got talked a lot for about 2/3 of the books and an illustration that gives me some idea of her character. Ornette got mention a few times, and then shows up at Wade Academy and she’s very gung-ho; willing to work with the others and Lemony who she just met. I like she’s open minded working with a stranger like Ornette is gonna fit in well. However, I guess I have to say her first impression was weaker than Cleo’s build up so I’m just *thinking* over her still. I hope we get to see more of her in the last book though. 

Theodora really just hit me with a tone of bricks. I admit this book really made me like her more because damn it, I think I did what Theodora did once or twice in my life and it sucks. So first off: Theodora all this time knew she was rank last? God, that must mean in the previous books those fancy talks of her reputation partly must have been done to make herself feel better and have confidence and skills that isn’t really there. Since she’s rank last it means there’s a chance she’s not well respected -and maybe not well like (I assume rank is a combinations of reviews from past apprentices and peer reviews). That means Theodora puts on an act for Lemony (and Bertrand who was a lot easier for Theodora to chaperone; Bertrand what review did you gave Theodora?) and everyone else to make herself seem better and more competent. Because if others of different standings take her serious, then VFD will start taking her more serious, and ergo, others (work) associates will be all ‘yeah we can be friends 8D!’. Clearly it’s not working as plan.

Theodora latching on to Sharon and their short lived friendship (the nail polish...Theodora may not have gotten friendship bracelets but she went all out anyway, this just sad to think about). Here we have Theodora thinking she not only has a friend in who know how long -and a friend from she thought was part of VFD- but has a chance to prove herself for once from all her past mistakes and screw up. And Sharon reveal herself as a fraud and Theodora is all like ‘well ****’ and despite not liking Lemony, she still made sure Lemony sure as hell wasn’t going to be taken by Hangfire and the Inhumane Society (such is a duty of a chaperone).

But despite her low rank, Theodora just more than that. She not just a wild hair driver, and yeah, this was clearly shown since the first book if she saved Lemony from getting kidnapped. Theodora knew the whole time Lemony was going to plan something with Kit (IDK if she knew of the coup, but she knew something big was going to happen. Did she took him to SBTS so their plan would fail?). She also knows enough the plan got so off the rails Kit is in jail and Theodora was willing to help Lemony break her out. I’m not saying she’s a favorite character, but she’s in a general tier of ‘I like very much!’

The Haines family (two out three at least): I feel for Sharon, wanting her daughter Lizzie back at any cost. I can understand why she felt like she had no choice to work with Hangfire. If Hangfire got Sally Murphy to work for him (she was trying to help save Lizzie this whole time oh my god), then it’s not much of a stretch Hangfire could get the Haines as well if they’re desperate. But she dragged Kellar into it and was considering striking Kellar across the face. She was willing to go that far to get her son to continue working with Hangfire to get Lizzie back. I hope with Lizzie getting found, the family can be together again and work their issues out.

Won’t say too much on Kellar himself, in part because apparently, ‘dynamite hair’  translated into the famous Tintin quiff. Don’t get me wrong, I like Kellar. His situation sucks to the tenth level and he stood up for what he know is right, even if it means he and his mom have to temporary part ways (again, I hope the Haines family can be together again and work their issues out). I totally think he and Moxie will become very good friends (he needs friends in general). Typist buddies are a go-go! But whenever I think of him and his illustration I can’t get Tintin out of my head. Thanks, Seth.

I got a better feel of Cleo from this book, and yeah, she is totally Team Chemistry Dad, and Jake is totally Team Food Mom. They’re the team parents for all these kids and they’re doing a very good job. Cleo honestly rocks the mask with her color scheme. As to the rest of Lemony’s SBTS associates + Qwerty, nothing much change on thoughts and opinions (Lemony is still upset over Moxie’s arm 8U). I hope Qwerty in the last book gets free. I thought something bad was gonna happen to him like Dewey. I feel a bit happy Qwerty is just arrested and not dead from a harpoon gun.

Ellington, meanwhile, is getting more desperate to find her father (she has a picture of him in her music box my goodness that hurts! However, thanks to a re-watch of Netflix ASOUE, and thinking about [RETRACTED] and looking at something I wrote in a different ATWQ post, I have a very bad feeling, and I hope I’m wrong about it.) if she was more or less ‘working’ with Hangfire. Those film noir vibes are getting to real warning levels that are in the red zone and close to 100% Got to admit thought, her and Lemony’s ‘first and last date’ really ended on a damp note 8U.

I’m too scared on guessing WTF is the creature/noise Lemony and Ellington heard. And do I want to know about the honeydew melons (I like cantaloupe more TBH)?

My opinion of the Mitchum parents are the same but my goodness! Someone let them know how terrible their son is and let them know they’re failure as parents! Stew upgraded from bully to ‘part time villain’, knows it, and just got worse. I gotta bring up Carmelita again because Stew is making me think over Carmelita’s character more than I ever thought before.

I interpret Carmelita as a spoil rich brat and bully who got away with her rotten behavior due to her parents not being parents, just giving her too many gifts and not teaching her important manners. She a bit of an ill-fusion of Veruca Salt and Dudley Dursley in my opinion. Anyway, Carmelita has no idea what she got herself into in the TSS, but by TGG-TPP she is ‘okay! 8D’ because Esme while teaching her to be a ‘villain’ and other dangerous things, it’s mitigated by Esme still spoiling Carmelita rotten and keeping Carmelita’s old lifestyle she’s used too. It also help in the TAA and TSS she just used words as weapons, so this ‘jump’ was just a real shocker and showing how Carmelita while knowing of VFD, is still blind to their hidden nature if she didn’t dwell to much over it.

Stew on the other hand, is a bully who has been using force since the first book, but it’s on the low-down side. Now, Stew is willingly working with Hangfire, and he just decided to go all out and take it up a notch. And Stew unlike Carmelita, isn’t blind to what is going on. I think. It’s also possible Stew doesn’t know the major end goal of Hangfire and Stew is happy he gets to continue bullying people through any means, and his target just has to be Lemony. I honestly don’t know what’s up with him and his actions.

Speaking of Lemony...someone help this poor child mentally and physically. This is all too much for a thirteen year old (or anyone). He has to worry about Kit and save a dying town, and IDK if Theodora is even going to help in the final book if she wanted to high tail it out of there. He’s feeling more lonely than ever and Imaginary!Kit shows up again. Lemony Snicket you just jinx yourself about being lonely shouldn’t stop at age thirteen ;_; you have no idea what is in store, especially when it comes to your siblings. Lemony is closer to Kit than to Jacques, but the ‘flashback’ to playing Beethoven was sweet because the two were able to spend time together and this was like, the first time Lemony actually thought of Jacques in who know how long. Now I’m thinking about Netflix!Lemony wishing he spend more time with Jacques.

So uh...Olaf got a name drop (is guess who referring to the game? band? IDK who Q is but, this is gonna be weird with my headcanon of Mr. Quagmire), I covered Bertrand’s name drop...and Josephine cameos.

If I have to put her on a tier list, Josephine would be the middle between ‘like’ and ‘neutral’. She isn’t my favorite character and guardian, but I like her enough to not put her in neutral (and I have thoughts on her that I won’t 100% share here). With many fears (rational, irrational, surprisingly rational but on first glance irrational), due to VFD messing with her to where she has no choice to become a hermit and hide away from the danger of the world and become very safety conscious. Her years of being frighten grew to where she is cowardly and cares for herself more at times (she does ‘scream’ coward near the end of the TWW, especially in the books and Movie).

Once Quite Adventurous (Movie Only), and Fierce and Formidable (Netflix Only), if it’s not a headcanon, it’s almost canon Ike’s death was the turning point for Josephine deciding to hide away from the world. With Ike’s death, Josephine must have thought she has no choice to retreat to her hazard of a home and live alone for who know how long to keep herself safe. In both adaptations, they show hints (and Netflix only; also shown it via flashback) of Josephine’s old life through photographs. Also in both adaptations, it seems Josephine really went from ‘dangerous lifestyle’ to ‘gonna hide in my room please go away’ very fast after Ike’s demise. 

So, I’m happy and a bit upset Josephine cameos in this ATWQ book. Josephine is not 100% Quite Adventurous, or 100% Fierce and Formidable. I mean, she is those thing, but Josephine is also rather...Cautious. The fact Lemony even calls her ‘careful girl’ and Josephine is taking a risk to visit SBTS seems both adaptations was exaggerating her personality before Ike’s death/possible retirement from VFD. While certainly less afraid of the world, and much braver than TWW, there’s a implication Josephine is on her tip-toes, as well as making sure where she steps (or flies to in her helicopter). I have to say showing a teen Josephine being cautious is a good way to show how her extremism phobias and hermit habits have their roots since her younger years.

And that’s why I’m happy and a bit upset. I’m happy Josephine’s character is explore and it’s fueling to my pile of headcanons that are half bake for her. But I’m upset because...the adaptations. I’ll give Movie!Josephine a minor break though. Since it came out before ATWQ, I doubt Daniel Handler had even thought of this series and character cameos planned out. Movie!Josephine was a shot in the dark and one of the few things that somehow came out unscratched. I think the film played up her fears and cowardliness, but her photo album doesn’t mess up anything regarding ATWQ’s cameo.

Netflix however, has ATWQ. And from my past re-watch, I can now see there’s some references to ATWQ that went over my head (I am seriously hopping I didn’t got accidentally spoilers *stares at [RETRACTED]*). Anyway, Netflix!Josephine’s portrayed and the changes are fitting to her character. Her last act of courage after realizing Olaf killed Ike is rather nice. Yeah, I know it seems Josephine snapped due to his grammar mistake, but on the re-watch Josephine was all \OMO/ when Olaf slips up on the tamales, so I think Josephine confront Olaf for Ike’s murder and his bad grammar. I don’t want to say they ignore Josephine being described as a careful girl in her youth to making her freaking Sporty(TM), but if I do think of rewatching the show again sometime soon after finishing ATWQ (I started reading the first chapter before lunch and I think I’ll have more time the rest of the week to read),  ATWQ’s cameo will be haunting the back of my mind.

Josephine totally needed to called out Lemony for ditching Kit, just like Hector. Though I guess Josephine has more reason to since Kit is really close to getting lock up, all because of two ‘new’ characters: Gifford and Ghede, who also tried to kidnapped Lemony back in the first book. Damn, for ‘noble’ VFD members, they sure suck at their job if Kit is still arrested and they tried to kidnapped Lemony...for some reason.

Are they are on the fire starting side?

[rutilation]

I’d comment that Phos’s complaint about the final level of their game being ridiculously hard is a metaphor for how their entire quest gets exponentially more difficult as it approaches its conclusion, but the blurb in the margins already points out that parallel, so I guess my observation is redundant.  The accursed little thing is stealing my thunder.

Click the read more if you want to see me read way too much into the art.

Before I get into gushing over the artwork, I want to go over some of my thoughts on the narrative side of things, so let’s get the most annoying part out of the way first and talk about Aechmea.

I’ve heard that in the original Japanese, it’s clear that he’s referring to Cairngorm.  What’s interesting here is that he said this line when it seemed for a moment that Kongou was about to release the Lunarians.  But now that it’s clear it won’t happen, I wonder whether or not he’ll actually say what was on his mind.  In any case, I can’t wait to see more of his ugly mug next chapter.  Yay.

This chapter has sparked a bit of discourse regarding the earth gems, so I might as well chime in.  While I agree that the earth gems’ reaction isn’t unreasonable given the circumstances and the limited information at their disposal, it’s still not really the best reaction they could have had.  Regardless of their interpretation of Phos, the truth of the matter is that the version of Phos that the other gems feel the need to shatter, tie down, cage, and then shatter again is less of a threat to Kongou than the one they let walk around freely in chapter 58.  Just because what they’re doing is understandable, doesn’t mean that what they’re doing is right, and I don’t think that this pattern of shooting first and asking questions later is a good road for them to collectively go down.

And on the subject of Euclase, to reiterate what I’ve said before: they give me the willies not because I think their actions are totally unreasonable, (though said actions do tend to be on the more militant side of what could be considered reasonable, don’t they?)  Rather, a lot of the bad vibes I get from them are because of the menacing manner with which Ichikawa sometimes frames them, in addition to Padparadscha’s seemingly less-than-charitable opinion of them.

I’ve been curious for a while now about how Rutile would react after Padparadscha outright rejected them.  Looks like they’ve just doubled down on their obsessiveness, to the point of doing a stellar Onryō impression.  Really, the quickest way to ruin a relationship in this story is to either take someone for granted, or to be possessive/controlling.  Phos has some issues with the former, but a number of the other characters have a strong case of the latter, case in point being Rutile here.

I’m guessing that this implicitly confirms that the human particle is indeed in Phos’s eye?  I doubt that Kongou’s human sensors would go off due to Phos being merely metaphorically human.  I’ve also seen people posit that the reason Kongou can’t release the Lunarians is because his one-way ticket to nirvana only works on less sentient life forms.  (@rinboz has a good analysis that touches on this topic, btw.)  I think the chapter confirms this interpretation based on Phos’s mysteriously disappearing cage.  And that dovetails nicely into my thoughts on the art of this chapter…

Because the imagery of the cage coming to life, flowering, and vanishing in a breeze of petals is *chef’s kiss* gorgeous.

The scene starts off in gray and black, and the panels have a cluttered, claustrophobic feeling to them from the grain of the wood and the shadowy, looming architecture.  But once Kongou begins his prayer attempt, the panels start to become more spacious, those grays and blacks giving way to sleek monochrome.  Finally, this changes to stark white with minimal linework and virtually no shading.  The only other time I can recall Ichikawa using this blank, simplified style in hnk was when we saw a brief flashback of Phos as a child.  (For a given value of “child,” we are on arrested development island after all.)  

The way the cage seemingly transformed back into an earlier phase of its existence before vanishing reminds me of how Shiro went back to being a dog for a few moments before he left.  So, it seems that Kongou’s attempt worked just fine on a wooden cage—i.e, a plant—but none of the sentient beings present could actually be affected.  

Once he fails, the shroud of grey once again falls over the scene, black arches closing in.  And yet when the “camera” turns to Phos, their greyscale body is surrounded by white, as if the pure vision they had just seen is still haunting them.

I’m just in awe of how perfectly the environment here mirrors Phos’s emotional state.  Their heavy bondage flies away in a flurry of petals just as they’re getting their hopes up, and in the moment that those hopes are dashed, the rain of blades that shatter them are represented as black bars caging their mangled body.  Have I said before that Ichikawa is an absolute master of visual metaphor?  Because she is.

I was so fond of the art, as a matter of fact, that I reread the chapter several times and kind of.  Stared at it for a couple hours.  Here’s some interesting things I noticed.

In chapter 71, Cinnabar’s mercury globules were gone, but now they’re back.  Were they gone before because Cinnabar had just unloaded a bunch of mercury the previous chapter, or could there be some other reason?  Also in regards to Cinnabar, they’re present while Phos confronts Kongou, just barely visible on the far left—note the floating mercury.

But at no point does Ichikawa let us see their face or what they think of all this—more on this in a moment.

Bort doesn’t seem to be wearing powder on their left leg.  It’s the same leg that Phos shattered, and as far as we know, that’s the only time they’ve ever been broken, so maybe they’re leaving that leg bare as a reminder?  That seems like the sort of samurai-esque thing Bort would do.

Everyone’s started wearing gloves.  Before, the gems with a <9 hardness would only wear gloves if they anticipated having to touch someone or something with a different hardness level, (or in Cinnabar’s case, if they didn’t want to contaminate the things they touch.)  But in this chapter, everyone’s wearing gloves the whole time.  There are two possibilities that come to mind for me.  One is that since the earth gems have to anticipate fighting other gems instead of cloud-people, they have to worry about abrasions to their hands while fighting, and are thus patrolling with gloves.  The other possibility is that since Cinnabar has been fully (?) integrated into the group again, everyone has to be careful of what they touch, and they’ve taken to wearing gloves to lessen the risk of being contaminated by mercury.

Peridot and Sphene aren’t wearing gloves while patrolling in chapter 69, even though the earth gems were definitely counting on fighting the gems on the moon sooner or later, which makes me think it’s more likely that Cinnabar is the reason everyone’s wearing gloves.  Maybe it went something like this: up until the night raid, Cinnabar hadn’t been living with the other gems despite the fact that they must have been engaging with them.  But after the night raid, they start living with the others in the school, thus necessitating the gloves.

Once the sleep deprivation started kicking in I found myself engaging in the potentially meaningless venture of counting swords, gems, and who had swords and who didn’t in the second half of the chapter.  I may have found a couple of interesting things, so get your tinfoil hats ready.

On this page, we see all the earth gems sans Jade and Euclase, and of those gems, Sphene, Cinnabar, Obsidian, and Red Beryl are unarmed.  My first observation is that one of the gems who was unarmed grabbed a sword from somewhere and threw it at Phos.  There are only seven swords on this page, but—not counting Rutile’s scalpels—there are eight swords on the ground on the final page. 

Which begs the question: who threw the mystery sword?  We can rule out Jade or Euclase; they were standing in front of Phos and it’s clear from the positions of the blades on the ground that they were all thrown from behind.  Best-case scenario is that Sphene simply set their sword aside while checking the cage and grabbed it again off-panel.  Worst-case scenario would be if Cinnabar was the one who chucked the eighth sword at Phos.  I’m just gonna hope that they’re too frail to pick up a sword in the first place; please don’t dash my hopes Ichikawa.

Speaking of which, on the penultimate page, there are eight lines piercing Phos—one for each sword on the last page.  This makes me wonder: did Bort not attack Phos here?  Their whip is seemingly unrepresented in the stylized depiction of the weapons that shattered Phos, and it’s not entirely clear from the last page whether they used it or not.  Then again, Rutile’s scalpels are on the ground on the last page but absent from the previous page, so maybe I’m reading too deeply into it.  But the fact that Ichikawa was careful enough to have the number of swords match the number of black lines makes it a possibility worth keeping in mind.

This is what happens when I’m assigned to read The Tedious Misadventures of Tristan and Isolde.  I start procrastinating by going all True Crime over who exactly murdered Phos.  Anyway, see you guys next month when we find out whether the earth gems were nice enough to put Phos back together or if they just chucked the pieces out to sea.

[quinnmorgendorffer]

Do you have any mbti ideas for AD characters?

Hey! Well, I have been thinking about it and I have some ideas lol. They’re a bit hard to figure out because, after all, it’s arrested development, meaning they haven’t really grown up, which makes seeing their cognitive functions harder to figure out. Someone did typings on funkymbti, but I don’t agree with all of them 100%, but I’m no expert. But, again, I wouldn’t mind taking a swing at it. My personal rundown, with explanations under the cut, is:

Gob - ESTP (this is the one I am the MOST confident on)

Michael - ESTJ

Lindsay - ENFP

Buster - ISFJ

George Michael - ISFJ

Maeby - ISTP

Lucille - ESTJ

Tobias - ENFP

George - ENTJ

Tony (mostly speculative) - INFJ

Gob - definitely an ESTP. Like, holy shit, he’s a stereotypical ESTP. A stereotypical ESTP is the partier, the jock, the popular kid. He’s totally in a Se-Fe (Extroverted Sensing-Extroverted Feeling) loop most of the time; basically his manic stages because, yes, I have to fit in the bipolar Gob theory whenever possible. Anyways, he seeks adventure and sex and drugs and alcohol and is somehow magically ALIVE, so he either has no limits or knows his limits, making me believe his Se is high. Fe explains his ability to charm people, as Mitch described him as someone who doesn’t even realize he’s being charming. To quote mbti notes, “Tertiary Fe often makes a person seem sociable or charming, which can easily be mistaken as Fe dominant. However, tertiary Fe often has a calculating underside, more likely to treat people instrumentally as tools/objects for self-centered gain (due to higher Ti). Tertiary Fe is more likely to produce relationship failure and social discord (than dominant Fe).” He’s able to observe the environment around him and come to conclusions from time to time, showing his SeNi, like putting together that his mom had been driving Michael in “My Mother the Car”. I said he loops in Se-Fe because his logic (Ti) is very much absent like...constantly. His logic is very abstract and not based in facts like Michael (a total Te user) is. Inferior Ni also explains his need to stick to being a magician despite his total failure at it; lots of tunnel vision can happen with Ni. So, yes, I’d say ESTP.

Michael - This person said ISTJ, but I lean more towards ESTJ, if only for the fact that he’s not nearly as introverted/independent as he likes to believe (he needs the family as much as they need him) and the fact that it means he’d have inferior Fi (Introverted Feeling), explaining his “robotic” nature. Fi also explains why he has his own set of morals that, quite often, go against his family’s. It also definitely explains why he thinks he’s more moralistic than his family but really isn’t; the lower something is in your stack, the weaker it is, but you still might think you’re good at it. The Te-dom nature makes him very driven by facts and logic, and having Te-Ne makes him come up with dry, snarky comebacks. SJs have a rep for normally being pretty traditional due to Si, which isn’t always true, but it works in Michael’s case. I think a lot of his s4 behaviors are signs of inferior Fi/being in a Fi grip versus inferior Ne/being in a Ne grip. To quote mbti notes’ spotting guide on inferior Fi, “Their failures usually involve: being too aggressive and then getting severe pushback, taking on too much then suffering exhaustion, or being so focused on bottom line efficiency/results that they neglect other important things.” ESTJ.

Lindsay - She’s definitely an Fi user; she has her own morals and ethics that aren’t decided by her family, so she’s an FP or TJ. They said ESFP, but I might honestly lean more towards an ENFP. When she’s stressed out, she goes back to Tobias, and in s5a, they have her leave to find her “real” family, which indicates an inferior Si to me. But when she’s less stressed, she’s able to change her life around quite easily. She changes her focus a lot, including what size of a cause she’s on, and she’s very adaptable, normally a high Ne trait. And Lindsay having the same functions as Michael but in a different order really helps explain why they tend to get along well, I think. ENFP.

Buster - Buster is a hard one, god. He’s been robbed of so much of his adulthood that it’s hard to figure out his cognitive functions. Stereotypically, I think he fits as an ISFJ (Si-Fe-Ti-Ne). Si-doms are stereotyped as being very into routines, and Buster had trouble leaving his routines behind when Lucille was in jail. He craves approval of others, particularly his mom and his older siblings, which could indicate Fe, and higher Fe tends to make people warm and friendly, which is definitely a Buster trait. Through Ti he’s normally able to come up with some logical explanations, like figuring out Uncle Oscar is his dad, but he’s not too concerned with logic. His Ne is basically non-existent, since his growth has been so stunted. But, yeah, he likes things to stay the same and he’s a sweetheart, so I’d say ISFJ.

George Michael - Definitely an ISxJ, since when he’s stressed, he easily falls into the grip of Ne - spiraling anxiety. To, again, quote mbti notes, this time on inferior Ne, “Their failures usually involve: being too anxious or worried (catastrophizing), being overwhelmed by too much novelty or rapid change, or micromanaging situations (sometimes due to unwillingness to delegate).” I think I’d go with ISFJ because I think he has to have Fe in his stack; he’s very worried about keeping peace and harmony, and while Michael keeps the family together, GM is the one who actually wants the family to be together. Fe is often about togetherness. ISFJ.

Maeby - I definitely agree with the typing done on her as an ISTP. Her Ti-dom nature makes her very prone to being a bit rude and cynical, as well as independent and she can figure things out on her own. Inferior Fe pops up in her being unintentionally (or sometimes truly just intentionally) cool or rude to people around her. Hell, she purposefully tried to make GM feel bad for no reason. She’s definitely someone who lives in the moment (Se) and she’s able to get things to fall into place...most of the time. Definitely Se in her nature, so I could also see ESTP as well, but her Fe seems to be her biggest blind spot and she lashes out when she’s upset. And to quote mbti notes, “However, tertiary Ni often leads to very superficial judgment, more likely to carelessly dismiss deeper meaning or potential for growth (due to higher Se). Tertiary Ni is more likely to have a dejected or cynical attitude about what is possible in life (than dominant Ni).” Let’s not forget how she ended s4 by refusing to say she made a huge mistake. ISTP. 

Lucille - another tough one. I’m sure most people would put her as an ENTJ since that’s normally considered “the mastermind”, but I don’t know. I’ve always said the child most like her is Michael, so I could definitely see ESTJ. Te-Ne would explain how she’s able to think so quickly on her feet, both in regards to lying to people and with her insults. She’s definitely set in her ways, a definite Si related trait. Her active blind spot is definitely her morals, much like Michael, but she’s a bit better at hiding it since she is older. ESTJ.

Tobias - I think the person who typed on funkymbti did a good job with ENFP. From the mbtinotes on dom Ne/inferior Si “Their failures usually involve: not being able to prioritize the best ideas to pursue/develop, carelessness with details that leads to failure, or feeling restricted such that they cannot access inspiration/hope for long periods.” Ne explains his willingness to give up the career that he had for decades as well as how he’s willing to change what kind of performing he does. I’d say FiTe works because he’s not necessarily into harmonizing and he’s definitely devoted to what he thinks is right to him, not necessarily what people tell him to do, since he has no problem pursuing an acting career despite everyone telling him it’s a dumb idea. ENFP.

George - Eh, I do my best not to think about him lol. I actually 100% agree with this person’s reading on him and would definitely say he’s an ENTJ. His family are chess pieces to him, he’s always scheming, very much a Te-Ni trait. His inferior Fi makes him pity himself when he’s stuck in a bad situation. Yeah, I’ll stick with ENTJ. 

Tony - I’m not sure there’s really enough to work with for him at this point. I’m tempted to say INFJ, since that makes him Gob’s “mirror” type, meaning his has the functions in the opposite order of Gob (ESTP would be Se-Ti-Fe-Ni and INFJ is Ni-Fe-Ti-Se), and that’s supposed to make people a “perfect” match. But, since they’re same, maybe he’s an ESTP? Lol. Well, he definitely has a singular vision like a Ni-dom would, which is making it as a magician (contrasted to Gob’s inferior Ni that he always falls back on that one vision, Tony’s whole life is definitely magic). Again, from the mbti notes page, this time on inferior Se, “In low moments of weakness, they become very rash or extreme in behavior.” This could explain what we hope is just him faking his death (where are you s5b???). He claims he’s good at faking being gay and definitely has some manipulative, suave tendencies that could be an upper Fe trait. So, yeah, why not? INFJ.

I’ll also say the Steve Holt gives me ESFJ vibes (very sweet and warm, popular, goes with the flow, values family) and Ann Veal seems like an IxFP (guided by her own morals and ethics). I could definitely be wrong, though.

[mst3kproject]

815: Agent for HARM

I fear I am among the minority who really don’t find the host segments in this episode funny.  They’re kind of tedious and frustrating, really – though I do smile at Crow being a character witness – and when the time came to re-watch the episode in preparation for this review, I actually skipped them and got straight to the movie. It’s pretty drab, too.

Dr. Jan Stefanik defects from… somewhere or other, and moves to California to do… some kind of research.  When his assistant Henry suddenly dissolves into a mess of green goo, spy organization HARM decides Stefanik needs a full investigation and sends Agent Adam Chance, a guy who dresses like Mr. Rogers and still manages to sleep with every woman he meets. Stefanik explains to Chance that his country has new and terrible tool of destruction: an alien Spore that reproduces by feeding on human flesh.  That’s right, they’ve weaponized the space mummy fungus from Being from Another Planet!  The movies are coming together into a single, mud-clear, incoherent whole, again!

Y’know, Secret Agent Super Dragon and Danger!! Death Ray weren’t very good, but they could legitimately claim to globe-trotting adventures.  Super Dragon took us to Amsterdam, and Death Ray at least mentioned Rome and Barcelona.  In Agent for HARM we see one beach and a motel in Mexico.  The whole movie seems to be in pastels, which aren’t really urgent colours, and something about the pacing is off.  No matter what the movie tries to tell us, it just never feels like we’re in any sort of a hurry.

It’s not without legitimate entertainment value.  The music’s not bad – it isn’t totally forgettable, but also not as obnoxiously memorable as the theme from Danger!! Death Ray.  The Spore itself is a scary idea and the makeup that represents it is actually pretty good.  I especially like the impression you get that there’s a dark, hollow cavity underneath the foaming fungus, as if the victim’s face is about to collapse.  The improbably complete eyeball in Dr. Stefanik’s sample is entertainingly gross, and I like the glimpse of his lab animals that hint at what his work actually entails.

I’m sure the thing everybody remembers best about Agent for HARM, though, is Dr. Stefanik’s niece Ava. She’s cute and blonde and spends most of the movie running around in tiny little bikinis, and she works for the bad guys because of course she fucking does.  This plot point is so obvious to anybody who’s ever seen a movie in their lives that I’m not sure why the writers bothered establishing it.  The beautiful woman in a spy movie is always working for the bad guys.

I really would have liked to see way more of the relationship between Stefanik and Ava.  Actually seeing them interact at any length might have helped to dispense with the creepy vibe we get from their age gap, her habit of wandering around in nothing but a tiny swimsuit, and Stefanik’s wistful commentary on how close they’ve become.  It’s easy to see why Mike and the bots made some jokes about incest.  Some character development here might also have suggested why Stefanik trusts her, when he surely must have suspected her of spying when she first showed up.  The interactions we see make her look so damn suspicious that if she’d turned out to be genuine, Dr. Stefanik’s actual niece who really does want to help him, it would have been a shocking twist!

What would not have been a shocking twist would be if she turned out to be a robot.  Barbara Bouchet wears so much makeup she looks like she’s made of plastic (or maybe that’s just her face – she looked exactly the same as Moneypenny in Casino Royale and Maria in Black Belly of the Tarantula… man, I’ve seen a lot of terrible movies) and for some reason her hair looks fake.  She moves kind of robotically, too, and the first time I watched the movie I was thinking about the comparison well before Chance declares ‘she’s a machine’.  He may have been more right than he knew.

What’s somewhat mysterious is when, exactly, Chance figured out Ava was a spy.  His drunken boss asks him, but doesn’t receive a straight answer, and when you watch the movie a second time you can’t help but try to figure it out.  Was it when she blatantly tried to distract him by inviting him to go swimming with her, and he said you’re not fooling anyone, Angel?  But if so, why does he later save her when the guy who looks like Prince threatens her, if he already knew it was a ruse?  Is it so she wouldn’t know that he knew?  Was it when he realized the gun she’d given him wasn’t loaded?

I actually lean towards the latter incident as the moment of revelation, because it’s the one he references when he has her arrested. That also explains why he doesn’t give his boss a straight answer – he’s ashamed it took him that long.

The love story in this movie isn’t between Chance and Ava – or Chance and Karate Girl, or Chance and Beehive Secretary – anyway.  It’s the bromance between Chance and Dr. Stefanik.

The two of them start off deeply suspicious of each other. Chance has been sent to keep an eye on Stefanik and he’s quite worried that the scientist may be some kind of spy himself.  Chance threatens him with both death and deportation.  Stefanik, meanwhile, is a man whose main flaw is that he trusts too easily, and he has learned the hard lesson that people who deal in the fate of nations do not make good friends.  He fears the Americans may try to use Spore as a weapon just as his own people did.  The one person he trusts is Ava, and only because she’s family – and boy, did that backfire on him – and even she is not allowed full access to his work on an antidote.

By the end of the movie, Chance and Stefanik come to trust each other totally, and are good friends to such a degree that their separation, reunion, and the reveal of Stefanik’s death plays out like a romantic tragedy.  The captured Stefanik stares at the horizon, waiting for Chance to come for him.  When they reunite, Chance wants to touch Stefanik despite knowing that the stuff in the bags, with which Stefanik is now covered, is deadly.  When told Stefanik is dead, Chance denies it over and over until the proof is staring him in the face.  If one or other of them were a woman, nobody would question that any of this is meant to be romantic, and they’re certainly closer in age than either of these gray-haired men is to twenty-two-year-old Ava.

This is two episodes in a row where I’ve talked about the homosexual undertones.  Do I just have my tumblr goggles on, or are the movies actually that gay?

A certain number of things about this film become a little clearer when you know that it, like Stranded in Space, was intended as a pilot for a TV series.  That’s why there’s not much for locations – they had to keep the budget down so as not to scare the investors.  That’s why they bring up the cancelled date with the Beehive Secretary – perhaps she was supposed to be a regular love interest.  It explains why not just the villains but the good guy of this particular story – Stefanik – must be dead at the end, because the main character can’t form long-lasting attachments that might carry into future episodes when the actors are guest stars who might not be able to come back. Maybe that’s also why Stefanik’s antidote to the fungus also didn’t work, because they were going to use Spore itself as an ongoing plot point.

Spore is an interesting and scary choice of weapon, probably the most interesting thing in the movie, and it’s possibly a metaphor for how communism was perceived in the 50’s and 60’s – as a disease that consumed societies from the inside.  We saw an example of this in It Conquered the World, when Beulah implanted mind control devices in its victims, infecting them with its poisonous view of progress.  The people in Stranded in Space thought Stryker was the one with the thought disease, here to infect their planet.  Now here in Agent for HARM, we have Spore, which enters the human body and turns it into something unthinking and alien, just as Beulah did.  Also like Beulah’s victims, who had to be killed because they could not be cured, once it has started there is no way to stop it.

Ava the ‘machine’ and the compassionless bad guy Malko also fit into this way of thinking.  Their politics have transformed them into things as unthinking and alien as the fungus. When Chance writes the words Jan Stefanik, Human Being on the toe tag, he is emphasizing that Stefanik had succumbed to a disease of the body but not to this disease of the mind.  Yet Chance’s boss reminds him, and Chance agrees, that they, too, are machines – Chance has, after all, coldly murdered several of Malko’s henchmen.  In order to fight these unfeeling enemies, he has had to cultivate a lack of feeling in himself.  Perhaps he emphasizes Stefanik’s humanity partly because he doesn’t feel quite human anymore.

Agent for HARM is okay, but it’s not great.  There’s some interesting ideas in it, under-used, and a number of those glamorous secret agent tropes, over-used.  It certainly doesn’t come near toppling Danger!! Death Ray as MST3K’s best secret agent movie – it’s just too forgettable.

[dadvans]

episode two :: Yuri realizes, suddenly and terribly, he might be a little bit in love.  

Victor doesn’t even try to go to sleep.  He just lays in bed with his laptop, watching the thirty-seven takes of Yuuri trying to get “hi, I’m Yuuri Katsuki, and I’m the Bachelor” out of his mouth.

“Don’t they know who I am?” Yuuri slurs on screen.  

“Yuuri, you have to put the champagne bottle down, you have to pretend to be sober,” Phichit says off camera, all authority gone from his voice.  He’s trying not to laugh.

“Phichit,” Yuuri says, and he takes a big swig from the bottle, bubbles pouring down both sides of his lips. “You can’t tell me what to do.  I’m Yuuri Katsuki, and I’m the motherfucking Bachelor.”

Victor pushes past the canvas tarp of the production tent only to be greeted with quiet.  A dozen or so of the production staff are mingling in hushed tones, all showing varying degrees of hangover.  Mila is wearing sunglasses, despite the only light in the tent coming from several dimmed monitors, and Cao Bin is holding two greasy brown bags that smell a lot like McDonald’s breakfast, and not at all like the untouched table of fresh fruit laid outside by craft services.  Everyone smells like stale alcohol and sweat, wearing layers on layers to mask two hours sleep with no shower despite the early morning summer heat of Los Angeles .  

“Where’s Sara?” he asks, looking around.

“Puking,” Mila says.  Her voice sounds like gravel, and she takes a long, long sip of iced water.  

“Well, at least she’s here,” Victor says.  He’s mildly impressed and a little proud that no one called in or was arrested after last night.  “Could someone go get her?  Emergency producers meeting.”

Mila salutes him and ambles off to go find Sara.  Victor goes over to the production grid on the far side of the tent and starts pulling down all the cards--cards that indicate villain plots, tearful confessions, potential rivalries, coordinated confrontations, a projected final two--only to rip them up and throw them on the floor.  

“Thanks to Mr. Chulanont’s carefully planned deceit of his best friend, we have been served a curveball for a Bachelor this season,” he says, letting the scraps of cardstock flutter down past his Prada wingtips.  

Phichit tries to call out, his tone both miserable and apologetic.  “Victor--”

“I’m not mad,” Victor says, cutting him off.  “I’m excited.  We need to take last night into account moving forward, because Yuuri Katsuki doesn’t fit into any standard formula.  We need new characters.  We need unpredictable stories and unpredictable villains.  We need fresh chemistry.  I’ve had today’s entire schedule pushed back three hours so Yuuri doesn’t come back to set still drunk and we have a solid plan moving forward.”

                                                                                                                      (Yuri Plisetsky, 21, Team USA Gymnast)

Phichit pins a card to the board’s Week One column that says “YURI P. - VILLAIN” in thick, purple marker, and Victor puts a pleased finger to his lips to hide his smile.  

“No way,” Mila says.  “No one is going to buy him as the villain.”

“If we’re thinking outside the box, then there doesn’t have to be just one villain,” Phichit replies.  His is the only card on the board.  “And also, I think it’ll be a lot easier than you think.  Yuri’s PR team approached us to help with his image.”

“What?” Half the room sits up a little straighter, leans forward, drop their pens.

“That’s not public information,” Victor says, staring at Phichit curiously; he always plays his cards closer to his chest more than Victor would normally like, but it’s only because he’s working three steps ahead of everyone else.  Phichit gets off on the element of surprise as much as Victor, and maybe that’s why Victor trusts him so much.  “How did you know?”

Phichit digs his phone out of his pocket, tap tap taps a few times at the screen, and turns it around to show the rest of the room the still of a grainy film.  “Anyone who knows where to look can figure it out.  Yuri Plisetsky may be America’s Golden Boy after the medals he earned us in the last Olympics, but only because his team was working overtime to keep content like this off of mainstream news outlets and social media websites.”

He presses play.                                                                                                   

The video is poor quality, probably taken on an older model of phone, and it features someone who looks and sounds exactly like Yuri Plisetsky screaming at a Burger King employee.

“How did he make it past the psych eval?” Cao Bin asks quietly after the video ends. “He tried to whip that kid in the face with a gold medal.  Does he usually wear that everywhere?”

“There are dozens of videos like this, and they aren’t impossible to find,” Phichit says.  “It’s not a matter of if they come to the public’s attention, but when.  But let’s say he gets onto a reality program that is watched by a few million in prime time that shows him as sensitive, caring, deeply passionate-- his team gets to say in the wake of those videos going viral, ‘oh, that was when he was young.  He’s grown up since then.’”

“So, you’re saying let’s exploit and manipulate his anger issues and possibly destroy his life?” Morooka asks, incredulous.

“Nobody here is a saint,” Phichit replies. “I’m certainly not.”

“God help us all if we get on your bad side, Phichit,” Mila says, and she writes something down in her notepad and takes another drink of what Victor is beginning to suspect is definitely not water.  “Anyway, if we’re talking about people who are doing this for their image--”

                          (Jean-Jacques Leroy, 23, Aspiring Model)

“He has a girlfriend,” Mila says, and another gasp blows through the room.  She looks up to Phichit, who is still standing coolly by the board.  “But you already knew that, didn’t you?”

Phichit goes back to his phone and within seconds has an Instagram page pulled up.  “If he adds you to his private Insta--which let’s be honest, he adds just about anyone who finds him, because he wants the endorsement money--he’s pretty honest about his relationship status.”

“How long were you planning on keeping this to yourself, Phichit?” Victor asks, looking at him curiously, then, “Mila?”

Phichit shrugs.  Mila rolls her eyes.  “You usually give out cash incentives for manufactured drama when you get bored during Week Three.”

“Shame,” Victor says.  He hates being predictable. “What do you propose we do with this information?”

“It would be a pity if rumors started to spread on set,” Mila says, faux innocent, intent well apparent even behind her sunglasses.

“Or,” Sara says suddenly, grabbing her by the arm, excited.  “Sorry, sorry, I just--I have an idea.  We should pit him and Yuri against each other as rivals.  Use their desperation for good publicity against them.”

“Holy shit,” Mila says gently.

“Beautiful,” Phichit agrees.  

“Tell me more,” Victor says.

“We know their type.  They want to make this about them, right?  Conflicting personalities, both trying to prove something, the wrong thing--that they’re a good person--no, the best person-- and that they’re here for love.  Let’s push them to their limits and see who is willing to take more risks for the sake of their image.  We pit them against each other and let that drive the narrative.”

“You’re so evil, babe,” Mila says, and they cheers their plastic Starbucks cups that are definitely not full of iced water, Victor determines.  “Love it.”

“Are we seeing them as endgame, then?  Final two?”  Cao Bin asks.  He looks skeptical.  

“Top four, at least,” Victor replies, writing his own “J.J. - VILLAIN - 4” card and pinning it to the board.  “It would be nice to have someone in the top two who at least is pretending to be here for the rights reasons.  Ideas, anyone?”

       (Georgi Popovich, 27, former-Bachelorette contestant, single father)

“Oh, God no, can we please put him out of his misery?” Mila says, slumping back in her chair. “If we had a drinking game for every time he said ‘Anya’ or cried about his fucking kid, we’d all be dead of alcohol poisoning.”

“To be fair, after last night, I’m surprised some of us already aren’t,” Victor says.  “But yes, agreed.  The only person involved in this franchise that hasn’t unlocked his tragic backstory is the Bachelor, I’m assuming, which means that if he stays, it’s just going to be him rehashing what everyone already knows.  Let’s try to get rid of him by Week Three, and go with someone else.”

                         (Michele Crispino, 22, Medieval Times Knight)

“Please, I’m begging you,” Sara says.  “All of our lives would be easier if Mickey was getting laid on a regular basis.”

“I feel like that would be cruel to poor Yuuri,” Victor says.  Everyone on set has had to deal with Sara’s Crazy Brother at least once.  “I mean if Yuuri genuinely likes him, good for him.  But your brother is a little… intense.  I don’t want to take the chance manipulating him to the top.”

“You’re talking about him like he’s a serial killer,” Sara says.  

Everyone meaningfully does not look at her.  No one says anything.  

“Anyway,” Victor says.

                          (Minami Kenjirou, 21, Disney On Ice Performer)

“So, my brother’s a serial killer, but Minami ‘I Bought Your Old Outfit And Show Up Wearing It To Meet You’ Kenjirou isn’t a stalker,” Sara says flatly.

“I feel like it comes from a genuine place,” Phichit says.  Minami was one of his personal picks during casting.  “Like, having known Yuuri for years, I’ve met a number of his fans.  Minami’s a figure skater too, and he doesn’t have the ‘steal a lock of your hair when I’m hugging you’ vibe that a lot of Yuuri’s other fans do.”

“I’m worried he might be too innocent for Yuuri.  I think he was actually crying when Yuuri gave the rigger a lap dance last night,” Mila says.  

“Yuuri’s a lot different when he’s sober, though.  He needs someone fun and sweet like Minami,” Phichit replies.

“I realize that you’re trying to have your friend’s best interests at heart, but no one watches the Bachelor for sweet, innocent fun,” Victor says.  “Let’s table Minami and look at some other options.”

Moving on they also discuss Leo de la Iglesia (23, College Radio Director), Seung-gil Lee (24, Dance Instructor) and Guang Hong Ji (23, Preschool Teacher).  Nothing sticks.  The board still only has the two cards pinned to it.

“What about Otabek?” Cao Bin suggests.

“Otabek was good on paper, but I would rather watch paint dry,” Sara complains.  

“The guy is honestly like a Terminator,” Phichit agrees.  “What about Christophe?  He seems fun.”

“Christophe’s just here to have a good time,” Victor says.  “I don’t think he believes in monogamy.”

“For all we know, neither does Yuuri,” Mila says, leveling Phichit with a look, “since he didn’t even know this was a dating program. He looked pretty thrilled to be sandwiched between four different men all at once last night too.”

Victor sighs and puts his face in his hands, peeking at the empty board through his fingers.  Eventually he sighs, straightens himself up and says, “let’s scratch the board.  For now.  I like the Yuri-J.J. rivalry, but everything else--  I think we have to let Yuuri Katsuki happen to us instead of us happening to him.  Deeper into production we can see what narratives are naturally unfolding and pursue those.”

“You want us to do this blind?” Cao Bin asks, disbelieving.

“Yeah,” Victor says, and he realizes he’s smiling.  “Yeah.  It’ll be fun.”

The Bachelor contestants who survived the first rose ceremony arrive in a fleet of Escalades at the OC Fair, producers and crew pooling out behind them.  Even in the dry heat, there’s always something about walking into fairgrounds that makes Victor feel uncomfortably sticky all over.  As he meets up with the crew and cast who are gathering around Celestino at the fair gates, he can see the look of discomfort on nearly all of their faces save Celestino, who is ever the professional.  

“Now, I know that all of you are not here to see me,” Celestino is saying, his smile and laughter so fake and boisterous you can’t help but love him for trying so hard.  The rest of the men politely chuckle.  “We’ve got quite the event planned out today.  Your Bachelor is currently waiting for you in the giant ferris wheel, where each one of you will get to have a private one-on-one that lasts for a single rotation of the wheel; that’s ten minutes, so make your time count, because as soon as your turn is over, it’s going to be your fellow competitor’s turn to try and impress.  After every one of you has had an opportunity to sit down with the Bachelor, he will pick the five men who have made the best impression for a group date, while the rest of you will be escorted back to the mansion.  Understood?”

The men are prompted to cheer in an exaggerated way, fistpumping the air, letting whoop-whoops out with their hands cupped round their mouths, “like the Bachelor can hear you!”

There’s a production tent already set up next to the giant ferris wheel, and the crew sighs in relief stumbling inside to escape the sun and carnival smell.  Monitors are already set up with five steady cams showing Yuuri sitting with his hands in his lap in a carriage near the top of the ride.  He looks surprisingly put together, which Victor credits the emergency wardrobe and make up team he sent to Yuuri’s hotel this morning. Victor puts his headset on, mic to his mouth.

“Good afternoon, Yuuri!” he says, wincing slightly as Yuuri yelps with surprise into his own mic and jumps a foot into the air.  “Sorry, sorry, you okay?”

“Victor?” Yuuri asks, looking up at the corner cam.

“Yes!” Victor says.  He doesn’t know why it thrills him so much to have Yuuri remember his name after a night of drunken debauchery, where during the rose ceremony he had trouble remembering half of the men’s names (“Nipples,” Yuuri had called out to a shirtless Christophe, “c’mere, you get a rose”). “How are you feeling this morning?”

“I’ve thrown up twice since I’ve been on this ride,” Yuuri admits.  “Don’t worry, it’s been cleaned up.  This is a new shirt.  I brushed my teeth.  Someone brought me a vodka tonic.”

“Good,” Victor laughs, “good.  Okay, we have the men coming down toward the ferris wheel on your right.  When you get to the top of the ride we’re going to need you to stand up and wave to them.  Think you can manage that?”

“Standing?” Yuuri says, like he can’t.  It takes Victor a second to realize he’s joking. “I’ll try.”

The producers inside groan as Victor forces them outside the sanctuary of the tent to greet the contestants and shoot on the fly interviews as they wait for their turn to go up into the ferris wheel with Yuuri.  

Victor mutes his mic so he can speak through his walkie without Yuuri hearing him.  “Remember, we have two goals: find me two decent candidates for the final four, and give extra attention to Plisetsky and Leroy.  We want them to feel the pressure.  Whoever gets them to crack first gets the five thousand dollars burning a hole in my pocket.”

Phichit’s voice instantly comes on through his headset.  “Define ‘crack.’”

“Something that we can use in a promo,” Victor replies. “I’ll know it when I see it.  Surprise me.”

Guang Hong is the first contestant to get into the carriage with Yuuri.  Victor’s first impression of Guang Hong was “too innocent, must be protected at all costs, who fucked up in casting to let this sweet, naive sunbeam onto the set of The Bachelor.”  Victor is, as always, thrilled to find out he is wrong.  

“How are you?” Yuuri says, standing up to greet him and help him in with one hand.  Guang Hong doesn’t let go as they sit down across from each other.

“Afraid of heights, actually,” Guang Hong says, biting his lip and pinching his eyes shut as the ride jerks to a start.

“Oh!” Yuuri says, and he leans forward and brings his free hand to Guang Hong’s face, tilting it up. “Oh, hey, it’s okay.  Just look at me and pretend, all right?”

Victor brings up Guang Hong’s casting application while camera five directly behind Yuuri’s shoulder gets a close up of Guang Hong’s big, dark eyes opening wide and staring sweetly at Yuuri like salvation.  Guang Hong’s file has listed skydiving as one of his favorite past times.

“You smooth motherfucker,” Victor says to himself, impressed.  

Georgi starts crying halfway through the ride.  “My son just loves carnivals so much,” he says, snotting into his own shirtsleeve and wiping at his eyes.  Yuuri looks uncomfortable with no escape.

“Take a drink everyone,” Victor says into his walkie.

Mila and Sara set up a corner for on the fly interviews next to a lemonade stand, which the men flock to in the midday heat.  They manage to have Jean-Jacques (“call me J.J.,” he says with a wink) cornered, when Sara notices Minami directly behind him buying a pink lemonade, and nudges Mila in the side.  

“So, J.J.,” Mila says, taking the hint, speaking a little bit louder for Minami to hear over the noise of carnival rides and the bustle of the surrounding crowd.  “You’ve never dated a man before, have you?”

“What?” J.J asks, caught off guard.  They had been talking about his modeling career.

“Yeah, that’s right,” Sara says, sweetly.  She’s looking at Minami, who is staring at J.J.’s back with curious intent, mouth tight around the straw of his drink.  “All of your high profile relationships have been with women!  Is this a recent development in your sexuality?”

“Well, I,” J.J. sputters, fumbling for his sunglasses suddenly, even though they’re in the shade.  “Not really, uh.  No.”

“Are you concerned a lot of the men here might have more experience than you?”  Mila asks.  Her ability to feign genuine worry goes unparalleled among the production staff.  “You know, experience with other men.”

Minami’s eyes narrow behind J.J., as J.J. stops, considers the both of them for a second, and then laughs airily.  

“I don’t know what you ladies are implying,” J.J. says coolly.  “I’m here for the same reason as everyone else: to find love.  Gender has nothing to do with it.”

Minami stalks off, and Sara has to bite the corner of her mouth to contain her smile.

When Minami joins Yuuri in the carriage, he starts off apologetic.  “I think I came across too strong last night,” he says. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it!” Yuuri says gently, almost amused.  “Maybe we both need a do-over.  I’m sure I didn’t leave the best impression last night either.  I honestly--I can’t really remember much.  You’re a figure skater too, right?”

“Yes!” Minami says, his knees knocking against Yuuri’s.  He’s chosen to sit on the same side of the carriage as Yuuri instead of opposite him.  “I skate with Disney on Ice!  I was just the understudy for Olaf in the Worlds of Enchantment tour.”

“How was that?” Yuuri asks.

“Lonely,” Minami admits.  “Touring, anyway.  I always wanted to be a competitive skater like you-- I auditioned for the show before I even knew you were going to be the next Bachelor, but I was excited to find out when they announced it was you.  It felt like fate, you know?”

“That’s sweet,” Yuuri says, carefully not agreeing.

“I just want you to know I’m here for the right reasons,” Minami says, and he takes Yuuri’s balled up fists into his own hands.  “I’m here to find love.  And I’m here for you.  And also… well, I think there might be some people here for the wrong reasons.”

“Oh?” Yuuri says, looking up at him surprised.

“I just, well, maybe I shouldn’t say this,” Minami says, and he sounds so earnest, almost saccharine.  “I overhead J.J. speaking to some of the producers.  I get the feeling he’s here for his career.  He was saying he’d never um.  He’s only ever had high profile relationships with women.”

“Oh,” Yuuri says again softly.  “Well, I appreciate you for letting me know.”

In the production tent, Victor says into his walkie, “it looks like we have a contender for that five k.  I have Minami throwing Jean-Jacques under the bus, saying he’s not here for the right reasons.  Anyone else going to play?”

“The money is as good as ours,” Mila replies, her and Sara’s laughter echoing in Victor’s earpiece.  

“We’re not even halfway through the day,” Phichit chimes in almost instantly.  He sounds cheerful, which is always promising.  “And I have dibs on Plisetsky.”

“So, are you originally from Japan?” Christophe asks, stretched out languid and inviting across from Yuuri.  

“Ah, yes,” Yuuri says.  “I grew up in the south.”

“I’ve spent quite some time there myself on vacation,” Christophe says.  “I love the food.”

“Oh?” Yuuri says, perking up.  “What’s your favorite?”

“Hard to say.  There’s ramen,” Christophe says, “which I love how you’re supposed to slurp up while the noodles are hot.  Or takoyaki, maybe.  There’s nothing quite like hot, salty-sweet balls in your mouth.  I just love savoring them, holding the heat in and letting them melt on my tongue one by one.”

“Well, uh,” Yuuri says, shifting slightly. “That is how you’re supposed to eat them, I guess.”

The time the men get with Yuuri is approximately ten minutes, but it takes about twenty minutes altogether with mic and equipment checks.  It’s been over three hours by the time Yuri is supposed to have his one-on-one with Yuuri.  He’s been leaning against queue gate for at least thirty minutes with his jacket over his face doing some weird deep breathing exercises probably suggested by an anger management coach.  Phichit makes it a point to walk past him with Morooka, commenting on how hungry Yuuri must be, having been cooped up the ride since noon, it would be so sweet if one of the remaining contestants brought him something sweet.

When he turns around, Yuri’s lifted up his jacket and is staring at the funnel cake stand across from the ferris wheel.  

The ferris wheel jerks to a start again as Yuri sits down across from Yuuri.  He’s got his jacket balled up in his arms, and unfolds it to reveal a steaming funnel cake with powdered sugar melting into the dough wrapped in checkered red and white paper.  

“I figured being cooped up on this ride since noon, you might be getting hungry,” he says.

Yuuri hits the funnel cake out of his hand.  It goes flying out of the carriage to the ground below.  

“Sorry, I--” Yuuri starts, eyes wide.  He looks surprised at himself.  He says again, “sorry.”

“Uh,” Yuri replies.  “Okay.”

“I don’t know what to say, I didn’t mean to, I just--” Yuuri is saying, until all of a sudden, Victor can’t hear him.  He sees Yuuri’s mouth moving on the camera, but is getting no sound.

“Yuuri,” Victor says, turning his mic back on, “Yuuri, can you hear me?  You cut out, Yuuri.”

Yuuri stops talking and looks back up to the corner camera.  Victor can see him mouth ‘Victor?’ but can’t actually hear him.

“Shit,” he says.  “Yuuri, you’re having mic trouble, we're going to have to bring you guys back around and start over.”

“Okay?” Yuuri mouths at the camera, and Victor sighs and stands up to leave the tent and see what the fuck is going on with the audio himself.

In the carriage, Yuuri turns back to Yuri.  “It sounds like they’re bringing us back around.  I don’t think my mic is working, so they’re going to start us over.”

“Oh,” Yuri says, looking away and cracking his knuckles in his lap uncomfortably.  “You-- you’re not very good at this, are you?”

“Excuse me?” Yuuri says.

“This,” Yuri says, looking back at him and gesturing broadly with both arms.  “You completely embarrass yourself on the first night getting wasted and shamelessly crawling over anyone on set who says two words to you.  Your first reaction to someone offering you food is to literally slap it out of their hands.  Sober You looks like he’d rather be anywhere else, or maybe you’re just constipated.”

Yuuri’s eyes widen, and for a second Yuri thinks he’s about to cry.  

It’s a strange, shocking relief when he starts laughing instead.  

“You’re right,” Yuuri admits.  His smile is so sad, Yuri thinks.  “I’m a complete mess.  I didn’t even realize this was even a dating show when I signed up for it.”

“What?” Yuri doesn’t yell, but it’s an almost thing.  “How the fuck do you sign up for The Bachelor without knowing it’s a dating show?”

“I’m not from here!” Yuuri says defensively, pained laughter bubbling out his mouth like the champagne he was pounding last night.  “My friend’s a producer who suggested I do it to take a break from my career.  I just--I don’t know what you know about me.  My last competitive season just ended, and it was bad.  It was so bad, Yuri.  When my friend approached me about doing the show I was so in my own head trying to figure out if I just retire out of shame and become a hermit-- I was willing to do anything to escape that place.  I didn’t even look at the contract when I signed it.  I just wanted to get away.”

“Wow,” Yuri says.  “Your friend’s an asshole.”

“I think he means well,” Yuuri says, but he doesn’t sound offended.  Maybe he’s heard it before.  “I’m not really known for being a people person.  You were right just now, when you said I was bad at this.  I’ve never been in a relationship before.  And I really am sorry about the funnel cake-- I had gained so much weight by the time pre-production started, they’ve put me on this raw diet with the exception of clear alcohol, and--”

“Jesus Christ,” Yuri says.  They’re at the top of the wheel now, and the the sun hits Yuuri’s face just right, the deep brown of his eyes looking like something worth sinking into and under.  “And I thought I was bad.”

“What do you mean?” Yuuri asks, pushing his glasses up his nose, and Yuri is drowning, drowning, drowning.

“I, uh,” Yuri says, “I’m not really good at this either.  Being here wasn’t my idea.  My publicist thought it would be a good way to rehabilitate my image after I got in trouble earlier this year.  No offense.”

“None taken,” Yuuri says.  “It’s a relief, actually.  I feel like there’s all this pressure on me to be this outgoing, sexy, mysterious figure, and I’m just not.  Like you said, I probably look constipated half the time, I don’t even know what to say to half of these guys, or take what’s coming out of their mouth seriously.”

“Yeah?” Yuri says, curious.  “Like what?”

“I think Christophe was trying to hit on me by talking about how much he likes eating fried octopus balls,” Yuuri says.  “Another guy kept asking to see my feet.”

“Oh my God,” Yuri replies.  “For fucking real?”

“For fucking real,” Yuuri confirms, and he smiles.  It’s not his drunk smile, sloppy to one side and loose, but another kind of uninhibited that feels strangely private and wonderful for Yuri to witness.  “This has actually been the best go-around so far.”

Yuri doesn’t choke on his own tongue.  Weakly, he says, “yeah?  You’re welcome.”

They’re almost nearing the gates.  Yuri will probably have to get out, Yuuri too, and they’ll have their mic packs checked and get back in again and pretend it’s the first time.  Yuuri grabs Yuri’s hand suddenly.  “Hey,” he says.  “I know… I know you don’t want to be here.  For the reasons you’re supposed to be here anyway, but neither am I, and look-- I would like to keep you around.  Just as a friend.  It would be nice to have someone around that I didn’t have to try and pretend to impress all the time, you know?”

“Yeah,” Yuri says softly. “I know.”

They’re smiling at each other like they’re trying to hold their shared secret in their mouths as the carriage arrives at the gate.

The sky is starting to turn pink and orange by the time the one-on-one dates are ending, and the park is lighting up with spinning rainbows of colors becoming more and more defined as the sun continues to sink past the horizon.  Yuuri stands with Celestino in front of the ferris wheel, and after some stage direction, draws out his selection of five men to take on a group date: Guang Hong, Leo, Otabek, Yuri, and some guy named Chad.

“That’s the foot guy,” Yuuri whispers to Yuri as they fumble through a house of mirrors.  “I just invited him along to point him out to you.”

“What a creep,” Yuri says, absolutely not shivering when Yuuri puts two hands on his shoulder to slide past him to continue in the maze.  

They go on a half dozen rides, each time another contestant getting the opportunity to sit next to Yuuri and hold his hand too tight in the thrill of the moment.  Otabek displays terrifying proficiency at the ring toss game, and ends up winning Yuuri another stuffed bear.

“I’ll add it to my collection,” Yuuri says, vaguely remembering the one that Otabek thrust into his chest during the initial introductions.

The group is given front row access to the concert playing at the amphitheatre that night--it’s a band that none of them recognize, but they all pretend to be enthusiastic and thrilled to have the opportunity.  Yuuri has three beers and starts dancing again, but manages to keep his shirt on this time.    By the time they get back to the mansion, everyone’s shirt is cooling with sweat, stuck their skin.

“You smell rank,” Yuri tells Yuuri, helping him out of the Escalade.  “Like, really horrible.”

“Thanks,” Yuuri says laughing.  “You too.”

Yuri realizes, suddenly and terribly, he might be a little bit in love.  

Chad gets eliminated that night.  So do four other men who were brought on as filler cast.  Georgi unfortunately remains, but Victor has faith the production crew will be able to fix that within the next few days.  The biggest surprise is Yuri Plisetsky getting the first rose, despite what Victor has witnessed to be a stilted, uncomfortable dynamic between him and Yuuri.  

He offers to drive Yuuri back to his hotel again, maybe going so far as to make it seem like this is something that always happens.  Yuuri agrees, letting Victor hold the door open to the passenger seat of his Bugatti, only on the condition that Victor lets him pick the music.

“Is there something wrong with my music?” Victor asks.  No one has ever commented on his music before.  

“No, no, I love Soviet folk disco,” Yuuri says dryly, taking Victor’s phone in his hands and opening Spotify.  

“You wound me, Yuuri,” Victor says, holding a hand over his heart.  “And here, I was going to take you out for hot dogs.”

“You were not,” Yuuri says. “That would violate my apple and vodka diet.”

“I was going to treat you,” Victor sniffs. “You did so good today.  But now, I don’t know.  No one has ever criticized my music taste so cruelly before.”

“Probably because you would fire them,” Yuuri says, and it sinks in like a hundred pin pricks all at once, how right he is.  The only people Victor has left in his life are the people he hasn’t let go.

“I feel like you’re saying such cruel, heartless things because you’re hangry, so I’m not going to hold it against you,” Victor says, but when he turns to get onto the Freeway, he maybe accelerates faster than usual and takes pleasure in the way Yuuri presses his hand firmly against the door as he merges four lanes over into the HOV lane at roughly eighty miles an hour.  

When they pull up to Pink’s, Yuuri says, “I thought you were joking.”

“Why would I be joking?” Victor asks, putting the car into park and turning off the ignition.

“I’m still ten pounds off my goal weight,” Yuuri says.  “I’m still not allowed to be around a pool or have my shirt off.”

“To be fair, you already broke both rules last night,” Victor says, getting out of the car.  

Yuuri begrudgingly follows him.  “Don’t remind me.”

They order hot dogs; Yuuri orders two, a bacon chili cheese dog, and a pastrami sauerkraut dog, and gives Victor a look as if to say try and stop me and I’ll eat yours too.  They sit down between the newspaper stalls out front with their feet in the street and eat quietly while the cars pass them by.  The summer air smells warm and sweet and dusty; it smells like city, and Victor closes his eyes and sinks into it like a hot bath.  

“Oh, real food,” Yuuri moans around his chili cheese dog, leaning back and splaying himself wide on the sidewalk, each hand stretched out with a hot dog as if he were placed on some salacious hot dog crucifix.  “Let me die like this, Victor.”

“Sorry,” Victor says, looking down on him fondly.  Under the neon lights, with nacho cheese smeared down his cheek, Yuuri looks like all of Victor’s filthiest dreams come true.  He tries not to choke, but lets himself reach down and swipe at the cheese with his thumb, before bringing it to his own mouth to lick it off.  “Can’t.”

“Can’t?” Yuuri repeats.  He’d been wearing a suit during the rose ceremony, but stripped off the button-down and jacket in the car, leaving just the white undershirt on.  It’s skin tight and has ridden up just a little to show off a hairy patch of stomach, and Victor can see the delicate rise and fall of his chest when he breathes.  

He looks away.  Takes a shaky sip of soda.  “Well,” Victor says, “you have nine more weeks of shooting to complete.  Then you’re free to do whatever you like.  But it’s my job to keep you alive until then.”

“Oh,” Yuuri says, sitting back up.  He takes another big bite of hot dog, getting more cheese sauce on his face.  This time, Victor hands him a napkin.

[hysterialevi]

In the Smoke pt. 13 (Cobblebats)

From Bruce’s POV

THE STACKED DECK

After quickly running home and throwing on the hoodie Oz had given me, I simply walked to The Stacked Deck, not wanting to draw any attention with a big, fancy car. I mean, I doubted anyone in Gotham truly sympathized with Hill, and there were probably others out there who would’ve beaten him just like I did, but I still preferred to remain in the shadows. Right now, Oz was the only person I wanted to see, and considering that the press was pretty much at my family’s throats, this hood was the one thing keeping me from drowning in cameras.

Arriving at the bar, I squinted slightly at the neon, card-shaped sign that practically lit up the whole block single-handedly and reflected in the street’s puddles as the sound of glasses clinking reached my ears. There were some patrons chatting outside of the packed building, and the closer I got, the more I could hear the alternative music playing inside. This was definitely the place.

Searching around for a little, I eventually found Oz relaxing in a nearby alleyway, separated from the rest of the crowds. He was leaning against a brick wall with a cigarette in his hand, and the small flame gave off a soft, orange glow as smoke puffed from his nose. Upon noticing me, he threw a casual wave in my direction and straightened his position, putting out the cigarette beneath his boot. I eagerly walked up to him.

“Hey, love,” Oz greeted before pecking a kiss on my cheek. “S’good to see you again--” he chuckled, “--or at least what’s not hidden under that hood of yours.”

I shrugged, grinning. “Thought we could try to avoid a fight, for once.”

Oz rubbed the back of his head. “Yeah, speakin’ of fights...” he frowned a little, “Listen, I’ve been thinking a lot ‘bout it, and I just wanted to say sorry.”

I quirked a brow, crossing my arms. “Sorry for what?”

“For what I did to Harvey, back at the debate. Y’know, drugging him. Melting half his face off. I didn’t realize the two of you were so close. I mean, it was obvious that he was your friend, but admitting to loving you? Woof.”

I averted my gaze from him, a bit uncomfortable. “Oh, um--you heard that?”

“Hard not to.” Oz stepped closer, almost to the point where we were sharing my hood. “...you don’t...love him back, do you? We’ve got a good thing going here. I’d hate to throw it away so soon.”

I shook my head. “Of course I don’t,” I lied. “I wouldn’t be here tonight otherwise.”

Oz smiled, kissing me again. “Good. But back to my original point, I really do regret doin’ all that to Harvey.”

I sighed. “Just...no more planning behind my back, all right?”

“All right.” He lowered his voice. “Look, I know I said we wouldn’t talk ‘bout work here, but since I don’t want there to be any secrets between us, there is someone else you should know about.”

“Someone?”

He nodded. “You see, I ain’t the leader of the Children of Arkham. I’m just the right-hand man.”

I double-checked our surroundings, as if someone were eavesdropping. “Then who is?”

“Brace yourself, but have you ever heard of a reporter called Vicki Vale?”

My eyes popped wide-open. “Vicki Vale? She’s your leader?”

“Yeah, except we don’t call her that. We call her Lady Arkham, since that’s her original name. Her parents were assassinated after they tried turning Hill in, just like your mum. By the same person too. Now that I think about it, the two of you actually have a lot in common. More than you realize. It’s like you are her.”

“...is that a good thing?”

Oz laughed. “Depends which aspect you’re talkin’ about. But anyways, enough of that.” He grabbed my hand and gestured towards the bar. “C’mon. Let’s get some drinks.”

From Thomas’ POV

WAYNE MANOR

I sat in my office, blankly staring at the mountain of paperwork that now lived on my desk, but not actually doing any of it. There was just far too much going on at the moment, and with all the tension between me and Bruce, work was the last thing on my mind right now. Though, according to Regina, if this scandal surrounding my family continued, I might’ve not even had to worry about work soon.

I couldn’t believe it. The press seemed to have an infinite supply of evidence pertaining to me, Hill, and Falcone these days, and all along, my son had been the one giving it to them. What was Bruce thinking? I understood that he disapproved of what I did, but bringing all this attention to us--it was just asking for the media to fan the flames. There was also the possibility it could harm him too. Though, he clearly didn’t care about that.

Rubbing my temple, I thought back to when Martha was still alive. Before she had been killed, Martha and I used to argue around the clock about my “side business,” and whether or not I should step out. It got even worse once Bruce started to grow up, and she’d always say that he was living without a father. And as much as I hated to admit it, I could now see that she was right.

I couldn’t remember the last time Bruce and I spent time together as just father and son, and even when helping the city as Batman, I never felt like I was truly doing any good for him. Well, the best way I could redeem myself now, was to keep him safe from Penguin, and any other threats looking to tear Gotham apart.

Just then, a knock came from the door, Alfred walking in not a second later.

“Sir, I hate to interrupt, but Mr. Falcone is here to see you. Apparently, he has something rather...concerning...to discuss.”

“Thank you, Alfred. Send him in, please.”

Opening the door further, Alfred allowed Carmine to waltz inside the office before leaving us alone and heading down to the kitchen to make some tea. The crime-boss’ face was plastered with agitation, just as Alfred had said, and his usual, suave vibe was nowhere to be seen.

“You look troubled,” I commented. “What’s going on, Falcone?”

Carmine took a seat on the opposite side of my desk, letting out a breath of frustration. I could tell that there were words stuck in his throat, but it took him a moment to actually say them.

“Forgive me for putting this so bluntly, Tommy, but,” he took a breath, “it’s Ham. He’s...dead.”

I fell silent for a while, trying to fully comprehend what he just told me.

“Hill is...dead?” I repeated in shock. “Oh god, Bruce,” I muttered to myself, “what’ve you done...?”

Carmine leaned forward. “Hill’s death is gonna cause a load of problems for us, but I’m afraid that’s not it. There is something else you should hear about.”

I dragged a hand through my hair, taking a sip of the coffee on my desk. “Oh? And what’s that?”

His eyes darted around the room for a second. “I don’t know if you’re aware of this, Tommy, but there are rumors saying that Bruce is working with Penguin.”

I nearly spat my drink out at that, and slapped a hand over my mouth, staring at Falcone with a baffled glare.

“What?”

“I’ll take that as a no.” Falcone adjusted himself in his seat. “But yeah, just before he died, Hill told me his men caught the two of ‘em meeting at Cobblepot Park sometime last week. He also had them report it to the GCPD, and now, Gordon himself is on his way to track Bruce down. They’re starting to think that he was drugged on purpose. So that he could beat Hill to death.”

“Goddammit.” I snatched my coat off the back of my chair, heading for the door. “I gotta find Bruce before the police does. I don’t care what the media says. I wanna hear the story from him before anyone else.”

Falcone stood up, slowly following me from behind. “Well, then, you’d better start searching. If Gordon reaches Bruce first, there’s no doubt he’s getting arrested on the spot. And he won’t be the only one taking the damage. If people find out your son could potentially be working with Penguin, it’ll be the end of everything we’ve worked for. All of it--just gone. No pressure, of course.”

“Well, thanks for letting me know about this, Carmine. Now, I gotta get going.”

“Good luck, Tommy. It’s a shame it’s come to this, what with the scandal and everything. Bruce was always more of a by-the-book kinda kid, despite being somewhat of a free spirit. It’s hard to believe the whispers traveling the streets. Though, like I’ve said a million times before, and will continue to say in the future: you can’t trust anyone in Gotham. Especially those you call friend.”

[womenofcolor15]

DMX Is BACK! Chats With GQ About Solitary Confinement, Forgiving His Abusive Mother & New Music Set To Drop Via Def Jam

DMX is on the comeback tip, giving his first interview since being released from prison back in January over tax evasion charges. Find out what he told GQ about what it was like being in solitary confinement, forgiving his abusive mother, and releasing new music after inking a deal with Def Jam inside….

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                      A post shared by GQ (@gq) on Sep 23, 2019 at 5:57am PDT

  If you’re a Hip Hop head, you know DMX has been through the ringer and back, especially when it comes to getting locked up. The 48-year-old rapper has been to jail countless times. He was first arrested at the tender age of 10 for arson and he’s still fighting those demons.

The NYC rapper was released from federal prison in January 2019 after he was sentenced to one year behind bars for tax evasion in March 2018. He must complete three years of probation and he has been ordered to pay $2.29 million in restitution to the government.

X has made headlines for his wild antics and legal situations over the years. However, when he first hit the scene, he was mega successful. He’s in the Hip Hop History books as the only rapper to have his first five studio albums debut at No. 1 on the Billboard 200. He’s also the only living rapper to have two albums go platinum in the same year. So yeah, he’s definitely an important component of the culture.

Since his release, he has been spotted attending Kanye West’s Sunday Service where he gave a prayer. He also was featured on a recent episode of “Black Ink” where his fiancée/son’s mother Desiree Lindstrom copped some new ink with her bridesmaids.

And he's still relevant. The #DMXChallenge blew up on Instagram:

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                  Love @therealeve

A post shared by DMX (@dmx) on Sep 9, 2019 at 9:49pm PDT

  Now, he’s preparing a musical comeback. It was recently reported X signed a new deal with the label that first helped catapult his career.  He does have at least 15 mouths to feed, afterall.  The Yonkers rapper reportedly signed with Def Jam Records and he plans to release a Christmas album, titled DMX-Mas.

"Yeah, it's good to be back home,” the “How’s It Goin’ Down” rapper said during an interview with GQ – his first since being released from prison earlier this year.

”I wanted to be a part of Def Jam since 1985, when the movie Krush Groove came out. And I found out that Run's last name was Simmons, and Russell's last name was Simmons. And Russell was running Def Jam. I saw the movie Krush Groove, and I was like, “Yo.” And at that point, I was so naive then. I was like, “Yo. If I could just meet them.” And like, “Yo, my last name is Simmons too.” And that's it.”

The rap game is totally different since he released his last album, Undisputed, in 2012. Although the rap game isn’t the same as it was back when he was in his prime, he said he isn’t worried about making good music. He knows it's going to be fire.

”Right. It’s going to be great,” he said. “The standard that I hold myself to is the same: Better than everything I hear. I need to be better than everything that I hear. And I can hear it. They winning with that? Oh, I'm good. If you don't give people something incredible to listen to, they're going to listen to whatever. And I get that. I'm not mad at the fans for enjoying these songs, or the DJs for playing songs they play. I'm not mad at them or the artists that's winning even though they suck. I'm not mad at them.”

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                  “The standard that I hold myself to is the same: Better than everything I hear…If you don’t give people something incredible to listen to, they’re going to listen to whatever. And I get that.” In his first interview since going to prison in 2018, @DMX opens up to GQ's @markanthonygreen at the link in bio. ( @awolerizku, styled by @mobolajidawodu) #dmx

A post shared by GQ (@gq) on Sep 23, 2019 at 9:15am PDT

  When asked how he ended up at Kanye West’s Sunday Service, he confirmed the Chi-town rapper “reached out” to him.

"I wouldn't call it a church service. There's no word,” he shared. “Yeah. It's joyful, which God says to do. We about to make a joyful noise. I enjoyed it. It was moving. I didn't know what to expect, though. I didn't know what to expect.”

X has always been vocal about his upbringing, and "hard" would be an understatement. As a child, his mother abused him. He talked about how his mom knocked two of his teeth out with a broom. Despite the abuse, he has been able to overcome those issues and said he loves his mother now.

”That doesn't mean I don't love her [because she abused him growing up]. That doesn't mean she's the same person. Children don't come with a f*cking instruction manual. She was 20 when she had me. Four sisters; I'm the only boy. Maybe she didn't know what to do with me. I found out I just knew things that she didn't know when I was only six years old. I would get up at night sometimes to drink water because I was so hungry. And I saw something in her notebook that was open on the kitchen table. And it was wrong, so I erased it. I thought I was helping. I don't know what she thought I was doing, but… I don't know if she thought I was trying to sabotage her or whatever. I don't know what she thought. But she beat two teeth out of my fucking mouth with a broom. And I think about this today, I'm like, “Okay, you saw me erase something in your notebook. What did you think I was trying to do? What could you have possibly thought I was trying to do?”

  Speaking of teeth, the “Party Up” rapper revealed he has a lot less teeth than most people.

“You have to have teeth to have cavities. I don't have many teeth left. I think the average person has 36 teeth, right? I have like 20 left.”

Yikes.

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                      A post shared by DMX (@dmx) on Sep 23, 2019 at 7:55am PDT

  He opened up about how he was able to forgive both of his parents for his upbringing.

“I think a lot of people struggle with forgiving their parents. In fact, I personally struggle with forgiving my parents. But until you learn how to forgive others, you can't forgive yourself. You can't forgive yourself if you don't know how to forgive."

He shared he has learned to fully forgive himself for the mistakes he has made in the past. Good for him.

While serving time in prison last year, he had to spend a lot of time in solitary confinement.

"Ninety days. My last 90 days. One fourth of my bid," he shared.

He continued:

"You know, police target you. I went to the hole once because I was paying people for their phone time. Because you only get 300 minutes a month. That's not enough time to talk to my baby. The second time, I got caught with a bag of wine. I bought the wine, and after I paid for the wine, the guy said, “Your wine will be done Friday.” Friday we go to rec… boom. When he handed it to me, it had a hole in it. So I put it in my shirt and tried to walk out. The wine bag fell out when I reached for something in my pocket. I picked it up and tried to walk to my cell real quick but got caught.

Lord.

"If you don't got a strong mind, it'll fuck you up. I didn't get out of my cell at all," he said.

"What you try to do is sleep as much as you can. Read books. Because you got to think of shit that's going to pass the time. Then they give you rubber pencils. I swear to God, a pencil that bends. Like, I'm saying to myself, “How the fuck do they make lead bend?” So you can't stab someone. And then they give you paper with no lines. It's just a bunch of shit that they don't have to do that they do anyway, just to make your time harder.

You can read his full interview here.

  GQ: So what kind of vibe are you going for in this photo shoot, DMX? DMX: Supervillain. GQ:........okay. Which one? DMX: All of 'em. pic.twitter.com/a6KweFg5CC

— Cornell West Coast Customs (@cambrewhaha) September 24, 2019

  X also chopped it up with GQ about how some of his hit tracks came into fruition. Peep the clip below:

Photo: Getty

[Read More ...] source http://theybf.com/2019/09/24/dmx-is-back-chats-with-gq-about-solitary-confinement-forgiving-his-abusive-mother-new-mus

[leaughrilke]

Are the superbabies overprotective of Lena? Or do they worry about her? Being her the only one of the family without any powers to defend herself? I don't know if she's still being targeted by her mother or brother but she's still a very famous and smart Luthor with a really important company so I guess she kind of always has a target in her back.

this ask is related to another one so when i finish that one, i’ll link it here and link this one there too

here’s the sort of second part??

SO 

oh my god they are so incredibly protective of lena like…….oh my GOD are they overprotective.  like??  finn and maia spend a lot of time worrying abt her and stella bc they’re the only two that dont have superstrength or speed or the ability to fucking fly away from danger and stella worries abt lena constantly bc she can feel all the bad stuff ppl feel towards her???  hear all the bad thoughts???  

god its terrifying for them bc their moms are rlly Bad at self-preservation and like obviously they get better at it bc they need to b around for the kiddos but they also would lay down their lives for the kiddos in an instant??  its a weird tightrope to walk, but at least kara like…..probably will come out of most situations alright.  like 9 times out of 10 she’ll walk away from a fight but whenever lena’s in danger its like??  they rlly Dont Know if she’ll be okay

like Constant Fear is something they know p well.  stella’s manifests more visibly bc she’s already p tightly wound so when she’s like twelve or so she starts having panic attacks when lena has to go out of town bc she’s That worried something will happen to her and like?? stella can’t??  do anything???

when her powers grow, she finds she can sort of influence ppl??  like later she ends up developing the ability to actually impose her will (which……different post tbh) but earlier its just sort of a nudge in a direction she likes better, maybe sending some more positive feelings or smth.  she does that a lot for lena.  like if she feels a dip in her mood or hears some of the shit she’s being subjected to, she just…..pushes rlly nice thoughts in her direction???  sometimes sends nice things abt her mom to the ppl that r being mean to her

maia, when she gets a lil older (starting when she’s abt 13 or so??), does this thing where when they’re out in public and some pap appears and starts shouting at lena for a quote on whatever shit lex has said or lillian’s pulled, she just……steps in front v subtly.  even when whoever’s getting in lena’s face is v obviously human, even when lena is obviously handling it.  she just inches forward, steps just slightly in front of lena, straightens her spine and sets her jaw and listen, maia’s a giant sweetheart when u get to know her, but that girl is fucking terrifying when you’re on the wrong side of her glare and more often than not, whoever is giving lena shit will just walk the fuck away

it worries lena to no end bc she’s like??  i am the mom, i should be stepping in front of you but the way maia views it, if things get bad or ugly or violent, she can take the hit??  and she would, she will, she always will bc she wont even feel it but it could do serious damage to her mom and that’s…….Not an Option

and finn!!!  finn, god bless him, is the least violent person you could ever meet, hates anything to do with violence rlly, so he doesnt react like maia, doesnt send glares, he just worries and frets and tries to keep maia from doing stupid shit bc she’s scared

like??  that’s how he helps, that how he takes care of his moms; when one of them is down for the count or isnt allowed to leave the house bc SOMEONE put out another hit on her, he just sort of fills the gap and puts all his nervous energy into finding the best value laundry detergent or the right kind of sequins for maia’s dance uniform or the right brand of knee pads bc stella’s old pair wore out just before lex started pulling shit again and lena was going to get new ones but now she’s on house arrest 

and god help them all when the kiddos band together.  like starting from when they’re little, even!!  they thought they were so slick abt it too, thought their Secret Guard for Mommy was like a secret or something but every adult around them knew abt it, thought it was cute until it got kind of worrisome bc they were v, v serious.  but when they were little and didn’t rlly have a solid concept of the v real danger lena was often in, it was just like ppl r being mean to our mommy so we’re going to be extra nice to her and get aunt maggie to help us bake cookies for her after school

when they’re older, it is decidedly less cute and baked goods oriented.  stella kind of gets premonitions??  not quite seeing the future, but like….she sees options.  Possibilities.  so she’s usually the first to know abt any threat to lena and the kiddos have a separate, encrypted group chat that is literally still called Secret Guard for Mommy but maia added like four knife emojis and stella added the skull and fire emojis and finn balanced it out with like several hearts around mommy

anyway they have this secret, safe chat that stella messages whenever she gets a vibe (yeah, she borrowed the term from uncle cisco but to be fair, vibe doesnt exist on their earth so) and finn and maia get the location, the description and then maia goes to put the fear of god in whatever fucko is planning on messing with their mom.  she doesnt necessarily physically hurt them??  usually she doesnt, but sometimes they’re truly awful and so she does, but that’s why finn’s there, bc he has this rlly good ability at sensing when she’s abt to go Too Far and always stops her before that

when their moms find out, theyre furious bc like the kiddos arent that old??  they rlly arent, like finn is twenty, maia’s barely eighteen, and stella???  is a literal high school freshmen???  and god knows how long they’ve been doing this, and it’s so incredibly dangerous and kara’s kind of like??  you could have come to me, i would have handled it but its just rlly hard when you’re a kid and you see your parents scared and they just…..Needed to do something

[tessatechaitea]

Teen Titans #6

Nobody wants Aqualad on the team. NOBODY!

I guess whoever escaped was in prison for fucking puppies and butterflies.

The Review! The issue begins with Damian watching a news report about the escaped convicts. The report immediately goes from the convicts to shark attacks being up four hundred percent. So that means there have been, like, four shark attacks this year? I suppose there could be more if she's just talking about shark attacks in general along the entire coast of California. But I'm assuming she specifically means the Bay Area. Why would the Teen Titans care if people were being eaten by sharks in San Diego? That's not their territory! Let Animal Man take care of that shit. Anyway, that probably means the shark attacks and the prison break have more in common than anybody suspects. Was King Shark ever arrested for fucking puppies and butterflies? Damian is spending quality time with Goliath because, in comic book terms, Goliath isn't a boring pet. I'd like to see Damian have some loving interactions with Batcow. I'm beginning to think he takes Batcow for granted.

If Benjamin Percy hadn't written so many comic books about how racism is bad, I might look side-eye at that "yo."

Remember how Vibe was written in the eighties? Sometimes white male writers trying to write an authentic minority character stray a little too far into the field of stereotypes. Unless Percy just thinks adding "yo" to the end of a statement is just how young people speak. I can accept that. What I can't accept is that he wants to try to capture how young people speak. It's impossible! It's so unauthentic in so many ways that you'd be better off not to bother. Using terms to identify with a particular group isn't the sole territory of young people, of course. Everybody does it to prove their in-group credentials. I mean, I don't, of course! I'm so unique, I make up my own words! That's probably why nobody can fucking understand my intelligent and wise digressions.

Is throwing up in my mouth due to the phrase "mouth orgasm" a mouth orgasm? Because if it is, I am spent.

Beast Boy serves a vegetarian meal because it's his turn to cook. Everybody disrespects his decision and Wally runs off to steal some pizzas. What a bunch of assholes. It's one night per week! Fucking respect Beast Boy's dietary choices! Granted, his tofu platter might be terrible. But it isn't terrible simply because it's tofu. Nobody even tastes it to see if it's any good! It looks like deep fried tofu chunks in some kind of curry sauce. And if that's what it is, I'll have seconds! After my mouth wakes up from the nap caused by the orgasm. After lunch, Titans Island is invaded by a reporter seeking a totally non-hit piece about the new group of heroes bringing serious danger to San Francisco residents while selfishly blocking those residents' ocean view. I hope she makes them look terrible! Her name is Bonnie Chung and she's probably a devotee of Brother Blood. That's how things work in Teen Titans comic books, right?! Bonnie, live on the air, calls the West Coast "the Best Coast." She also says the Teen Titans tower is "the freshest, hottest, superhero pad on the planet." She must be the member of staff who does the local fluff pieces to make it seem like their city is the most exciting city to live in. Also, she might be a fraud because she works for KARE Channel 7. Excuse me, comic book. But I grew up in the Bay Area and Channel 7 is KGO. This comic book is so unrealistic. Beast Boy gives Bonnie a tour of Titans Tower while proving he's a lech and an asshole who can't go two minutes without sexually harassing a female member of the team or humiliating a male member. Some people reading might think he's hilarious. But then those people don't have to live with him. I wonder how many pairs of Raven's panties he has hidden under his mattress? I was going to say "Starfire's panties" but I doubt she wears them. Also, panties. That word is almost as ludicrous as finger-banging and lovemaking. Meanwhile in landlocked New Mexico, Aqualad is fucking with his poor fish! He's all, "I have power over you! Ah ha ha ha! Bend to my will!" Also, his name is Jackson Hyde. That has to be one of the most dangerous last names. How many Hydes die each year when a maniac or tiger is running loose on the streets and somebody yells, "Hide! Hide!" Everybody hides but the Hyde is all, "Yeah? What dude?", as he casually turns and gets brutally devoured or chopped up, respectively. I mean, non-respectively, unless the maniac is a cannibal and the tiger has carving knives tied to its paws.

He's trying hard to be different because he's a teenager! Duh!

So Aqualad is gay. The above panel is the third panel after he's been introduced. You have to get that sexuality thing out there as quickly as possible before all the heteros start believing the character is one of them by default. Percy's reveal here is as good a way to do it as I've seen even if the writer part of me always bristles at the way sexuality has to be mentioned as quickly as possible. Since it's an unseen component of a person's make-up, it obviously needs to be mentioned to be known. Remember, there were decades and decades of comic books where gay characters just didn't exist and gay fans just had to read into every detail as best they could to find a hero they could point to and say, "See? Totally gay!" If sexuality isn't mentioned, the status quo will assume heterosexuality. At some point in the future, writers will be able to introduce a team of young superheroes without instantly calling out which ones like to fuck which other ones and people reading won't automatically assume they're all hetero. It'll be a much more exciting time of fan speculation and intrigue because non-hetero sexuality won't be taboo; it will just be accepted. Until then, just get used to somebody pointing out that a character isn't heterosexual as quickly as possible. Look, there's still some mystery to what Aqualad's penis is up to. He might also like to fuck women! And fish!

How about keeping him safe by backing his play and flipping the fuck out on anybody who disrespects him rather than trying to convince him to not be the best Jackson Hyde he can be? Which — let's face it — isn't going to be that great considering he's Aqualad.

Meanwhile back at the interview slash tour, Bonnie Chung is all, "This was a great interview. It's totes going to go viral! You're going to be so famous!" Then she disappears into the Bay, hopefully to never be seen again because she's been eaten by a shark. Oh, that interruption didn't last long. And I guess Beast Boy didn't care that Bonnie disappeared under the water because the scene shifts back to New Mexico where Aqualad is already talking about the Teen Titans tour video that went viral (I guess KARE didn't really care either? They have a whole hour between five and six that they need to fill!). Some hero Beast Boy turned out to be! Did he forget he could have turned into a penguin and followed after her? Sure, he didn't see her disappear under the water. But he did see her scarf lying on the water. He couldn't even bother to investigate? So back in New Mexico where Aqualad has seen the viral video and is all jazzed about maybe being a Teen Titan, he decides to show his boyfriend his powers. His boyfriend decides to treat Aqualad like a pariah because why not? The guy is already dating a dark skinned gay guy with weird mutant tattoos. You can't expect him to accept much more than that! He's all, "Dude! I know we were just talking about how my dad doesn't accept me for who I am and how it sucks but, um, you know what? I can't accept you for who you are, freak!" Aqualad decides to move to San Francisco. That's like Mecca for gays! I hope that wasn't disrespectful to Mecca and/or fucking other guys in the ass! I bet the main people I offended with that last sentence were lesbians because I didn't account for them with that whole fucking other guys in the ass thing. But adding something more would have ruined the flow of that super intelligent and wise statement! Meanwhile, the Teen Titans are attacked by King Shark. He must want Beast Boy so he can ask him to turn into a puppy or a butterfly. The Ranking! No change! This has all the aspects of Teen Titans comic books that drive me completely crazy. That being said, it's one of the better incarnations so far!